For my second date with Mr. Numbers I pulled a series of seriously rookie moves. It was embarrassing, especially for a seasoned dater such as myself.
We had plans for dinner, sushi, which I love for early dating because it (a) gives you a chance to share food (but not germs) and (b) is a streamlined dining experience. Plus it can be kind of adventurous, depending on the other’s person experience, or lack thereof, in raw cuisine. It’s always interesting to see someone a little bit out of their comfort zone.
Anyway choosing sushi dinner date wasn’t the issue, no; the rookie mistake was that I had agreed to this date on a Saturday. As in, not a school night. As in, unless you had previously indicated you had plans after dinner you have left yourself wide open for an indefinite date extension of infinite possibilities.
I thought of this useful fact while I was walking to meet Mr. Numbers and seeing that I hadn’t laid any groundwork for later plans I figured I’d just see how I was feeling during dinner. I made my second rookie mistake by expecting that the date extending discussion would happen at the end of dinner, instead of in the middle of eating winter maki. Mr. Numbers had asked me on date #2 during date #1, so it stood to reason he’d do the same thing at dinner.
He invited me to watch a movie at his place after dinner (clarifying there would be no making out pressure). I answered with the honest answer I had available to me at the time: No, thank you. Had I been prepared I could have been clever, suggesting a rain check or feigning exhaustion. But no, I just went with my gut, and my gut said that I was not interested in that man’s couch.
It wasn't as positive as our first date directness had been, but I guess the rub with the direct approach is you get a direct response. No hemming and hawing, just the raw truth.
Showing posts with label Lessons in Dating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Lessons in Dating. Show all posts
Well There's Always the Direct Approach
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Patti Stanger, the self-proclaimed Millionaire Matchmaker, counsels her clients that if they are interested in the gal on the first date they should seal the deal for the next one while still on that first date. I only watch the show as a guilty pleasure, but I’m sure it has something to do with being clear and direct in your intentions.
Until this week, I don’t think this has ever happened to me, interested parties usually say things like “we should do this again” or “I’d like to see you again” without any specific dates/times. Until this week, I would have thought I would have felt terribly on the spot if asked, mid-date, for another date. Until this week, I didn’t realize how right she is.
When it happened I was on a first date with Mr. Numbers, grabbing drinks as well as some impromptu dinner. At first glance he wasn’t anything special, an average looking guy with a physique a bit more slight than I’m used to, but he really won me over during the date. He had this fantastically dry wit, causing me to laugh out loud several times well before my third glass of wine. He was clearly very bright and successful, ambitious even but with an obvious work-life balance in place. He respected my feelings about men spending money on women they have just met (I don’t think they should have to), and then he promptly rejected them (which I respected). Also, he thought I was great, and said so.
I had, as it turned out, already decided I would go on a second date with him when he asked me whether I had plans on Saturday, so it didn’t feel like I was on the spot and I didn’t feel pressured to answer. I just felt like he was really interested. And I was interested, so I just said Yes.
It was clear. It was direct. It was awesome.
Until this week, I don’t think this has ever happened to me, interested parties usually say things like “we should do this again” or “I’d like to see you again” without any specific dates/times. Until this week, I would have thought I would have felt terribly on the spot if asked, mid-date, for another date. Until this week, I didn’t realize how right she is.
When it happened I was on a first date with Mr. Numbers, grabbing drinks as well as some impromptu dinner. At first glance he wasn’t anything special, an average looking guy with a physique a bit more slight than I’m used to, but he really won me over during the date. He had this fantastically dry wit, causing me to laugh out loud several times well before my third glass of wine. He was clearly very bright and successful, ambitious even but with an obvious work-life balance in place. He respected my feelings about men spending money on women they have just met (I don’t think they should have to), and then he promptly rejected them (which I respected). Also, he thought I was great, and said so.
I had, as it turned out, already decided I would go on a second date with him when he asked me whether I had plans on Saturday, so it didn’t feel like I was on the spot and I didn’t feel pressured to answer. I just felt like he was really interested. And I was interested, so I just said Yes.
It was clear. It was direct. It was awesome.
Look Before You Leap
Monday, January 24, 2011
Before I went on the date with the ND Hater, I looked up the neighborhood pizza joint I had suggested as an option should he want to come to my neighborhood, so I could give him the correct cross street. I clicked onto Yelp, for no particular reason since I’d already been there and knew I liked the place, and happened across a review for a guy I thought was pretty attractive.
The top of his review read that he was a junkie of the place, and when I clicked onto his Yelp profile I noticed he said he slummed around the city neighborhood that I actually lived in. He had written a number of reviews, and while I myself am not the kind of person who (a) provides public reviews or (b) would include a picture along with said reviews, he had reviewed some places I would definitely enjoy. And he seemed local. I totally wanted to email him. But I didn’t, mostly since I couldn’t think of anything relevant to email him about.
And then the craziest thing happened. I got to the pizza joint before the ND Hater, and as I was sitting in the bar overflow area scanning the actual bar to see if two stools were about to open up, I saw him. The Yelp guy! In the bar! I didn’t go over there to confirm, mostly because I assumed my actual date would be walking in at any moment, but clearly this was a sign!
I didn’t want to be a stalker, so I ran my plan to reach out to a full blown stranger by N the next day. As we emailed about the options I forwarded the link to his Yelp profile.
My excitement was all for naught, it seems, because N had the foresight to actually READ some of his reviews, and smack dab in the middle of the one was the statement that “his wife loved the hummus”.
What would I do without her? Not only had I not read through his reviews very carefully, I had missed the reference to his spouse in the one for the joint I had originally looked up. I am a lot of things, dear readers, but a thorough researcher has never been one of them.
Fortunately for me, I wasn't a stalker girl hitting on a married guy, either.
The top of his review read that he was a junkie of the place, and when I clicked onto his Yelp profile I noticed he said he slummed around the city neighborhood that I actually lived in. He had written a number of reviews, and while I myself am not the kind of person who (a) provides public reviews or (b) would include a picture along with said reviews, he had reviewed some places I would definitely enjoy. And he seemed local. I totally wanted to email him. But I didn’t, mostly since I couldn’t think of anything relevant to email him about.
And then the craziest thing happened. I got to the pizza joint before the ND Hater, and as I was sitting in the bar overflow area scanning the actual bar to see if two stools were about to open up, I saw him. The Yelp guy! In the bar! I didn’t go over there to confirm, mostly because I assumed my actual date would be walking in at any moment, but clearly this was a sign!
I didn’t want to be a stalker, so I ran my plan to reach out to a full blown stranger by N the next day. As we emailed about the options I forwarded the link to his Yelp profile.
My excitement was all for naught, it seems, because N had the foresight to actually READ some of his reviews, and smack dab in the middle of the one was the statement that “his wife loved the hummus”.
What would I do without her? Not only had I not read through his reviews very carefully, I had missed the reference to his spouse in the one for the joint I had originally looked up. I am a lot of things, dear readers, but a thorough researcher has never been one of them.
Fortunately for me, I wasn't a stalker girl hitting on a married guy, either.
Unrecoverable.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Is there such a thing as an unrecoverable first date? Sure, if the other person finds your behavior SO unacceptable or your personality SO incompatible with yours that they in no way would consider giving you a second chance to make a first impression. I have been on many dates like that. But what if you find your own behavior so unacceptable that you don’t think you deserve a second chance?
Awhile back I met up with some pals who had come across this great guy that they thought I simply must meet. Now most previously suggestions of theirs have been dismissed immediately since they fell into the “he could be my father” category. This new suggestion came with a slew of positive sounding traits, including an appropriate age of 34, so I agreed to put on lip gloss and meet them out.
We’ll call him the Drunken Sailor, but really that’s what they all were. They had been sailing boats back down the Chicago river to be stored for the winter and drinking since 9a so they were all three sheets to the wind when I got there. Drunk or not, this guy was fantastic. He was exactly the kind of guy I could see myself dating. And marrying. And moving to Colorado with.
Because we continued drinking and the Drunken Sailor lived in the burbs it was abundantly clear that he would be staying in the city that night. As his future wife I obviously won the toss up.
On the walk back to my place there was adorable hand holding and kissing. And snuggling, since he’d foolishly left his jacket in his parked car. At my place he was one of the best behaved completely wasted guys I’d ever kept watch over. The following morning I drove him back to his car, gave him my number when he asked for it, and really hoped he would call.
I did hear from him, just once, a few days later. He apologized (again) for his behavior and thanked me for putting up with him. I said he was no trouble, because he wasn’t, and tried unsuccessfully to draw him out into meeting up again with a follow up call to clearly express my interest.
I wish I knew what happened. I mean, it’s possible that his attraction to me was based entirely on his BAC, but it’s also likely that he has no useful memories of the night (please see aforementioned BAC) and thinks worse of himself and what happened than what actually happened. At least that would explain all the apologizing he had done the night before.
I’m simply left to wonder. Whether there was something I could have done differently, if there’s still something I could do to get a do-over or if there are simply some situations that cannot be undone.
Awhile back I met up with some pals who had come across this great guy that they thought I simply must meet. Now most previously suggestions of theirs have been dismissed immediately since they fell into the “he could be my father” category. This new suggestion came with a slew of positive sounding traits, including an appropriate age of 34, so I agreed to put on lip gloss and meet them out.
We’ll call him the Drunken Sailor, but really that’s what they all were. They had been sailing boats back down the Chicago river to be stored for the winter and drinking since 9a so they were all three sheets to the wind when I got there. Drunk or not, this guy was fantastic. He was exactly the kind of guy I could see myself dating. And marrying. And moving to Colorado with.
Because we continued drinking and the Drunken Sailor lived in the burbs it was abundantly clear that he would be staying in the city that night. As his future wife I obviously won the toss up.
On the walk back to my place there was adorable hand holding and kissing. And snuggling, since he’d foolishly left his jacket in his parked car. At my place he was one of the best behaved completely wasted guys I’d ever kept watch over. The following morning I drove him back to his car, gave him my number when he asked for it, and really hoped he would call.
I did hear from him, just once, a few days later. He apologized (again) for his behavior and thanked me for putting up with him. I said he was no trouble, because he wasn’t, and tried unsuccessfully to draw him out into meeting up again with a follow up call to clearly express my interest.
I wish I knew what happened. I mean, it’s possible that his attraction to me was based entirely on his BAC, but it’s also likely that he has no useful memories of the night (please see aforementioned BAC) and thinks worse of himself and what happened than what actually happened. At least that would explain all the apologizing he had done the night before.
I’m simply left to wonder. Whether there was something I could have done differently, if there’s still something I could do to get a do-over or if there are simply some situations that cannot be undone.
Falling Off the Wagon
Thursday, January 6, 2011
I meant what I said about my resolution this year to stop wasting my time on lame-o dudes, but I have to admit that I’m already struggling to stick to it.
I did start off strong, earlier this week I did some OKC chatting with a guy who seemed decent in his profile with the exception of that fact that he only had photos with close-lipped smiles just like The Conductor did (which I obviously only realized after I went back and checked). The chatting was pretty lame, like the part about him having been recently been employed by PetSmart (seriously, it is really too much to ask that someone in their mid-30s be stable in their career?) and the part where he “asked me out”. I don’t usually quote word for word, but this one requires it.
so if you want i can give you my number and we can text or something and meet up sometime if you like?
I hesitated only moments before flat out declining.
I felt pretty good about myself, including the next day when The Conductor surprised me with an email vaguely asking about getting together on Friday. I declined citing prior (read: nonexistent) plans since I thought for sure he was one of those lackadaisical guys who doesn’t bother to put in any real effort.
It came as a surprise, then, when he came back to the table with a fully formed date suggestion for a different night.
I was impressed with his persistence, and actually considered whether to accept. As D pointed out, I'm always wishing guys would plan dates. Now here one had! Maybe I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth. Literally, since we still don't know what the deal is with those missing teeth.
Anyway, I brought it up at lunch table to mixed reviews and then I spent about half an hour looking up the band he wanted to see and listening to their music to see if I liked it. I didn't.
I was still on the fence at the end of the work day, when I relayed the situation for another gal pal. And then it hit me. I was wasting all this time just deciding whether to go on a 2nd date! What was the matter with me?
Obviously I struggle with where the line is, between being too quick to toss a guy you barely know and giving him way too many chances. I want everyone to like me. But I only want guys I want to date to want to date me. That's never going to happen, so I'm going to need some rules if I'm going to keep to my resolution.
Here's the first one: If my response isn't YES!, then it’s No. After all I’m not trying to be the most popular single gal out there; I'm trying to get un-single.
I did start off strong, earlier this week I did some OKC chatting with a guy who seemed decent in his profile with the exception of that fact that he only had photos with close-lipped smiles just like The Conductor did (which I obviously only realized after I went back and checked). The chatting was pretty lame, like the part about him having been recently been employed by PetSmart (seriously, it is really too much to ask that someone in their mid-30s be stable in their career?) and the part where he “asked me out”. I don’t usually quote word for word, but this one requires it.
so if you want i can give you my number and we can text or something and meet up sometime if you like?
I hesitated only moments before flat out declining.
I felt pretty good about myself, including the next day when The Conductor surprised me with an email vaguely asking about getting together on Friday. I declined citing prior (read: nonexistent) plans since I thought for sure he was one of those lackadaisical guys who doesn’t bother to put in any real effort.
It came as a surprise, then, when he came back to the table with a fully formed date suggestion for a different night.
I was impressed with his persistence, and actually considered whether to accept. As D pointed out, I'm always wishing guys would plan dates. Now here one had! Maybe I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth. Literally, since we still don't know what the deal is with those missing teeth.
Anyway, I brought it up at lunch table to mixed reviews and then I spent about half an hour looking up the band he wanted to see and listening to their music to see if I liked it. I didn't.
I was still on the fence at the end of the work day, when I relayed the situation for another gal pal. And then it hit me. I was wasting all this time just deciding whether to go on a 2nd date! What was the matter with me?
Obviously I struggle with where the line is, between being too quick to toss a guy you barely know and giving him way too many chances. I want everyone to like me. But I only want guys I want to date to want to date me. That's never going to happen, so I'm going to need some rules if I'm going to keep to my resolution.
Here's the first one: If my response isn't YES!, then it’s No. After all I’m not trying to be the most popular single gal out there; I'm trying to get un-single.
"Love Me or Hate Me, but Spare Me Your Indifference." Libbie Fudim
Sunday, December 12, 2010
As I thought about what to write about the 2nd ending for myself and Marathon Guy I decided to read the post I had written about our original demise. Truth be told it’s just as accurate today as it was over a year ago when I wrote it so rather than try to make it new and fresh, I’m just going to link you to it: False Starts: Marathon Guy
I wish I had more to say, but I’d have to feel something about Marathon Guy to be able to write about him. Ah, there it is.
Mutual indifference. That’s what happened between us before (and again). Neither of us was interested enough to get a relationship going. It feels satisfying to put a reason to the failed attempt, and even better to stop wasting time even thinking about it. Next!
I wish I had more to say, but I’d have to feel something about Marathon Guy to be able to write about him. Ah, there it is.
Mutual indifference. That’s what happened between us before (and again). Neither of us was interested enough to get a relationship going. It feels satisfying to put a reason to the failed attempt, and even better to stop wasting time even thinking about it. Next!
“In the Arithmetic of Love, One Plus One Equals Everything" Mignon McLaughlin
Monday, November 22, 2010
For years, one of the things I’ve missed about not being part of a couple is not having someone to fill my “plus one” spot at events. Certainly there are the big events like weddings, but I even miss it at casual get togethers and dinner parties. There is something about an even number of people that to me seems more complete than an odd number.
Lately I’m finding more and more social scenarios where I’m short one. Say for example, Bears home games, in which I’m sitting on two tickets for a game, or I’ve got all four and another pair of folks who is in for the game but I can’t find another single to fill the gap. It makes me feel lonelier than I believe I actually am, not being able to put one body in a seat.
I think it’s one of the driving reasons behind my pursuit of a relationship, wanting a default person to attend events with (and travel with and make dinner with, etc., I’m looking for more than a dance partner, obviously). I usually don’t like anyone long enough to think about inviting them to group events, but I’m starting to think Marathon Guy would make a good plus one.
Having not had one in awhile, I find I'm unsure how to proceed.
First, the timing is tripping me up. I’m not sure how far in advance I can invite him. Two weeks? Three weeks? The more notice I give for the event, the more likely he’ll be able to attend. The farther out the event, the more likely I won’t be dating him by the time it comes around anyway.
I’m also worried about the implications inviting him to meet friends could have on our perceived level of commitment. Meeting friends is traditionally a big step, and while I tend to use it more as a helpful insight as to whether a potential mate would fit into my social scene, I can see that he might think that it was a sign I wanted to move towards exclusive dating. Which I don’t.
Of course even more terrifying than Marathon Guy thinking I like him more than I do (or at least am willing to admit), is the idea that he might want me to meet HIS friends. Which would mean that he is thinking about exclusively dating me. A double standard, yes, but while my friends would humor me and my maybe-boyfriend screenings, I’m sure that Marathon Guy wouldn’t have such a ridiculous pretense established with his friends about me.
And let’s not forget that all of these musings completely overlook the option that he might not want to go to events with me, might not want to meet my friends. I could be working myself up over nothing!
What am I saying? I have Bears/Jets and an Ugly Christmas Sweater party coming up. Marathon Guy would be a FOOL to pass on these awesome activities! Well, assuming I get around to inviting him.
Lately I’m finding more and more social scenarios where I’m short one. Say for example, Bears home games, in which I’m sitting on two tickets for a game, or I’ve got all four and another pair of folks who is in for the game but I can’t find another single to fill the gap. It makes me feel lonelier than I believe I actually am, not being able to put one body in a seat.
I think it’s one of the driving reasons behind my pursuit of a relationship, wanting a default person to attend events with (and travel with and make dinner with, etc., I’m looking for more than a dance partner, obviously). I usually don’t like anyone long enough to think about inviting them to group events, but I’m starting to think Marathon Guy would make a good plus one.
Having not had one in awhile, I find I'm unsure how to proceed.
First, the timing is tripping me up. I’m not sure how far in advance I can invite him. Two weeks? Three weeks? The more notice I give for the event, the more likely he’ll be able to attend. The farther out the event, the more likely I won’t be dating him by the time it comes around anyway.
I’m also worried about the implications inviting him to meet friends could have on our perceived level of commitment. Meeting friends is traditionally a big step, and while I tend to use it more as a helpful insight as to whether a potential mate would fit into my social scene, I can see that he might think that it was a sign I wanted to move towards exclusive dating. Which I don’t.
Of course even more terrifying than Marathon Guy thinking I like him more than I do (or at least am willing to admit), is the idea that he might want me to meet HIS friends. Which would mean that he is thinking about exclusively dating me. A double standard, yes, but while my friends would humor me and my maybe-boyfriend screenings, I’m sure that Marathon Guy wouldn’t have such a ridiculous pretense established with his friends about me.
And let’s not forget that all of these musings completely overlook the option that he might not want to go to events with me, might not want to meet my friends. I could be working myself up over nothing!
What am I saying? I have Bears/Jets and an Ugly Christmas Sweater party coming up. Marathon Guy would be a FOOL to pass on these awesome activities! Well, assuming I get around to inviting him.
Tick-Tock
Sunday, October 24, 2010
I realized why I had kept missing the window in previous relationships as soon as I told Summer Boy that I would be interested in dating him. Telling someone you want to date them basically means you’ve requested that the relationship move forward, even if it’s at some nondescript point in the future. The other person has to decide whether they want to move forward with you, and they can’t take forever to decide.
Having never told a boy before that I liked him first I had had no idea! In not wanting to miss the window I had actually started the clock. And it was counting down.
Whoops.
Even less exciting, it seems I had not correctly interpreted Summer Boy’s non-stop chatter about relationships. He rejected the idea that he was a relationship guy… saying he hadn’t called anyone his girlfriend in years, that he hadn’t introduced any of the recent gals he’d been involved with to any of his friends (something about them not being able to hold their own – although he added he thought I would be able to) and that he wasn’t sure whether he was ready to adjust his lifestyle to having a girlfriend again. He didn’t fully reject the idea of dating me, mind you, just completely disagreed with me when I explained where my statements about wanting to date had come from.
Actually, I think I interpreted him just fine. Whether he thinks so or not, relationships are on his mind, otherwise he wouldn’t constantly be talking about them. I think it’s entirely possible that Summer Boy is even more terrified of relationships than I am.
I had meant what I said to him, though, about not wanting to move immediately to a full-blown dating relationship, so technically we could keep going as we were for awhile. If it turned out we wanted different things, I’d at least have made my intentions clear.
I had no idea how much time the Universe put on relationships clocks, but I couldn’t imagine there was any reason to panic. Yet.
Having never told a boy before that I liked him first I had had no idea! In not wanting to miss the window I had actually started the clock. And it was counting down.
Whoops.
Even less exciting, it seems I had not correctly interpreted Summer Boy’s non-stop chatter about relationships. He rejected the idea that he was a relationship guy… saying he hadn’t called anyone his girlfriend in years, that he hadn’t introduced any of the recent gals he’d been involved with to any of his friends (something about them not being able to hold their own – although he added he thought I would be able to) and that he wasn’t sure whether he was ready to adjust his lifestyle to having a girlfriend again. He didn’t fully reject the idea of dating me, mind you, just completely disagreed with me when I explained where my statements about wanting to date had come from.
Actually, I think I interpreted him just fine. Whether he thinks so or not, relationships are on his mind, otherwise he wouldn’t constantly be talking about them. I think it’s entirely possible that Summer Boy is even more terrified of relationships than I am.
I had meant what I said to him, though, about not wanting to move immediately to a full-blown dating relationship, so technically we could keep going as we were for awhile. If it turned out we wanted different things, I’d at least have made my intentions clear.
I had no idea how much time the Universe put on relationships clocks, but I couldn’t imagine there was any reason to panic. Yet.
Baby Steps.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Once I started thinking about the content of all the chatting Summer Boy and I were doing, I realized something. He talked a lot about relationships. A LOT about them. I submit the following into evidence:
I have a long and storied history of missing signals... of ignoring where relationships are leading only to miss the window of opportunity and be saddened later to realize (a) that I had really card for someone and (b) that I had missed my chance. I didn’t want that to happen here, I didn't want to lose Summer Boy.
I’ve also recently been considering the possibility that I have a serious road block to relationships that has everything to do with me and nothing to do with the men I’ve been involved with. That when I’m faced with a relationship that has somewhere to go I do something that would be destructive to it. Like meeting up with an old flame or disappearing for awhile, and almost always refusing to share or address my feelings (with him, with myself, with the friends who don't know me well enough to know I'm full of it).
It was terrifying, and ridiculous, being so afraid to tell someone you liked them.
But then it just happened. A perfectly normal, flirtatious conversation about sexy time turned into an admission that I'd be interested in being seen outside of the bedroom with him, in the context of an actual relationship. I said it wasn’t something I thought we needed to do anytime soon, but something to consider.
I felt nauseous. But also proud of myself. Baby steps to dating. Maybe I should get a gold fish.
- He told a lot of stories involving the phrase "I was dating this girl at the time"… and definitely referenced exes who continued to be interested in him long after he had cut ties
- He called me from a bachelor party that he found tedious, and later assured me that at HIS bachelor party they would not be going to a strip club (they would be golfing)
- After giving me the low down from a wedding he had attended that got way out of hand (The bride punched some dude. At a bar. In her wedding dress.) he mentioned that he wasn’t sure he’d be able to top that at his own wedding
- He said his friends were “living the good life”, with kids, a dog and a big house
- He suggested that if and when either of us started seeing someone else, even casually, that we tell the other person about it. Originally I had agreed, but then I rescinded my agreement when I realized that sounded a lot like a no-strings attached monogamous relationship.
I have a long and storied history of missing signals... of ignoring where relationships are leading only to miss the window of opportunity and be saddened later to realize (a) that I had really card for someone and (b) that I had missed my chance. I didn’t want that to happen here, I didn't want to lose Summer Boy.
I’ve also recently been considering the possibility that I have a serious road block to relationships that has everything to do with me and nothing to do with the men I’ve been involved with. That when I’m faced with a relationship that has somewhere to go I do something that would be destructive to it. Like meeting up with an old flame or disappearing for awhile, and almost always refusing to share or address my feelings (with him, with myself, with the friends who don't know me well enough to know I'm full of it).
It was terrifying, and ridiculous, being so afraid to tell someone you liked them.
But then it just happened. A perfectly normal, flirtatious conversation about sexy time turned into an admission that I'd be interested in being seen outside of the bedroom with him, in the context of an actual relationship. I said it wasn’t something I thought we needed to do anytime soon, but something to consider.
I felt nauseous. But also proud of myself. Baby steps to dating. Maybe I should get a gold fish.
The Chicken Dance.
Monday, October 11, 2010
karaoke king
overwhelming love ballads
this one’s out of tune
overwhelming love ballads
this one’s out of tune
It took me almost as long to cut thing off with the Karaoke King as it took me to get this next post out. When it came down to it, I sort of chickened out.
I’m a firm believer that in early dating it doesn’t really matter why you don’t want to date someone, it just matters that you let them know you don’t want to date them. I think it can be done in a way that is mature; basically you’re freeing both of you up to find what will work for you, instead of wasting time with each other. Not everyone subscribes to this philosophy, though, and I’ve had lots of guys reject my reasons and try to find loopholes when I’ve given them the honest reason I don’t want to date them.
Having had some good times with the Karaoke King I was pretty sure he’d reject my initial reasons for not pursuing anything further. I wasn’t as direct as I normally am, hence the repeat attempts.
My first try was during an IM session. I alluded to the high volume of messages from him with the low (read: no) volume of messages back from me. I said I felt it was a bit much. He said that was just how he was! And I said that was great and I didn’t think he should change that. He agreed that he wouldn’t, but that he’d try to tone it down.
Actually I think he left things entirely in my hands, which was convenient since I promptly went back to the lake house for 10 days where I didn’t check my email or phone and therefore didn’t contact him. He was undeterred, and after waiting an impressive week or so to get in touch with me himself there were a series of emails and texts that didn’t… go… well.
Example. I’m out with pals at the local pizza joint when he texts to see what I’m up to. In the course of the conversation he says that I’m welcome to come by his place. I respond in the negative, saying something like “boys come to pretty girls, not the other way around”.
I was bitchy and kind of self-assuming, but I did get the point across that I wasn’t really interested in pursuing anything with him. There wasn't any reason to be mean to him, so I did end things officially with an email, citing the age old “timing” as the cause.
It wasn't true, but it did have a nice touch of irony to it since I had originally expressed interest in him when he wasn’t actively seeking a relationship. I do like an ironic finish.
And It Only Got Worse.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Lunch with the Karaoke King went fine despite his recent admission of wanting to smother me… I was quite distracted by my get groceries / work Friday / meet friends for dinner / head out of town plan, but he couldn’t have been happier with the Mediterranean place I had chosen so he was content to listen to me babble while eating hummus. We parted in front of my office (no kiss, thankfully!) and then things went downhill in rapid succession.
First I got a text message later that same afternoon saying he’d had a “wonderful time” at lunch followed by an emoticon that I couldn’t decipher. The magic of the internet and K’s little brother’s know how later we arrived at a translation that definitively required clarification from the Karaoke King. He said on his BBM it had meant hugs. Translated onto my phone it meant vagina. I obviously didn’t tell HIM that, but I didn’t have much time to chat because I really did have a million things to get to before the weekend.
Friday afternoon he sent me a text message stating the following: that he couldn’t wait to see my hair (I had gotten it cut Thursday night), that he hoped I had figured out my shop/pack/travel plan and that he hoped my day was going well. I didn’t even see the message until I left the office after 5p, at which point I received a second text, which said he hoped I was already on my way and to have a safe drive up to the lakehouse. And he signed it “smooches”. Oh, and he also included a picture with the message, which was of his face looking into his phone. It was creepy, and I was running late, so I put my phone in my purse and kept moving towards my weekend.
He called me about 3 hours later, when I was in the car (still on the way to the lakehouse) and left a voicemail. For those of you following along at home, that’s 3 messages in the span of approximately 7 hours, with no response from me.
Saturday morning I received a text saying he hoped I had a good run and that he would be rooting for Ghana in soccer later that day (they were one of my teams in the office pool). And now the count is at 4 messages in less than 24-hours with no response.
You all know my rules! This was a serious violation. I sent him back a friendly text Saturday morning, but made it clear I didn’t check my phone at the lakehouse (i.e. stop stalking me!). Sunday morning I received a message around 3 AM. Paraphrased it read: I know I can’t talk to you right now, but I just want to hold you and kiss you. You’re the woman I want to be with!
Oh. My. God. Around this time my cousin and mom sent me a photo text of themselves, saying they missed me while I was out on my run. And then later that day, the 4th of July, I received a photo text from the Karaoke King, saying something like “here’s where I am” with a picture of a firework.
The Karaoke King had pretty much destroyed any inclination I had towards dating him in a mere 72 hours. It wasn't a record, but I was going to have to put the brakes on the excessive texting. Immediately. Perhaps a text message poem might do the trick?
First I got a text message later that same afternoon saying he’d had a “wonderful time” at lunch followed by an emoticon that I couldn’t decipher. The magic of the internet and K’s little brother’s know how later we arrived at a translation that definitively required clarification from the Karaoke King. He said on his BBM it had meant hugs. Translated onto my phone it meant vagina. I obviously didn’t tell HIM that, but I didn’t have much time to chat because I really did have a million things to get to before the weekend.
Friday afternoon he sent me a text message stating the following: that he couldn’t wait to see my hair (I had gotten it cut Thursday night), that he hoped I had figured out my shop/pack/travel plan and that he hoped my day was going well. I didn’t even see the message until I left the office after 5p, at which point I received a second text, which said he hoped I was already on my way and to have a safe drive up to the lakehouse. And he signed it “smooches”. Oh, and he also included a picture with the message, which was of his face looking into his phone. It was creepy, and I was running late, so I put my phone in my purse and kept moving towards my weekend.
He called me about 3 hours later, when I was in the car (still on the way to the lakehouse) and left a voicemail. For those of you following along at home, that’s 3 messages in the span of approximately 7 hours, with no response from me.
Saturday morning I received a text saying he hoped I had a good run and that he would be rooting for Ghana in soccer later that day (they were one of my teams in the office pool). And now the count is at 4 messages in less than 24-hours with no response.
You all know my rules! This was a serious violation. I sent him back a friendly text Saturday morning, but made it clear I didn’t check my phone at the lakehouse (i.e. stop stalking me!). Sunday morning I received a message around 3 AM. Paraphrased it read: I know I can’t talk to you right now, but I just want to hold you and kiss you. You’re the woman I want to be with!
Oh. My. God. Around this time my cousin and mom sent me a photo text of themselves, saying they missed me while I was out on my run. And then later that day, the 4th of July, I received a photo text from the Karaoke King, saying something like “here’s where I am” with a picture of a firework.
The Karaoke King had pretty much destroyed any inclination I had towards dating him in a mere 72 hours. It wasn't a record, but I was going to have to put the brakes on the excessive texting. Immediately. Perhaps a text message poem might do the trick?
I do not like your constant pings, I do not like them Karaoke King.
I do not like them late at night, I do not like them left and right.
I do not like to see your pics, your mushy words make me quite sick.
I will not reply to your constant pings, stop sending them to me Karaoke King!
I do not like them late at night, I do not like them left and right.
I do not like to see your pics, your mushy words make me quite sick.
I will not reply to your constant pings, stop sending them to me Karaoke King!
Easy Does It.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
After what can only be described as an unending series of crappy dates, frustrating email chains and downright rude boy behavior, I have to say its remarkable how easily I transitioned into what feels a lot like “regular dating” with The Bowler. I can’t believe I didn’t have more hang ups. Maybe I have been learning something this past year.
I should explain “regular dating”, since my belief system is clearly out of line with mainstream single America. In regular dating, it’s clear to both parties that you’re interested in each other. You talk – via phone, email, text – depends on the relationship, and you hang out in person. The hanging out is usually initiated by one party, and accepted by the other. You agree to do something at a specific date and time. And then you actually get together and do those things. Over time, you figure out whether you’re developing deeper feelings for each other. Oh, and you usually make out. A lot.
I guess that’s what I’ve been doing with The Bowler. Our lunch date led to a movie date, which ended with old school high school making out on my couch. We moved right into milestone date #3, which turned out to be a traditional dinner date. We hit a little snag in the restaurant choosing process – as the Bowler appears to be extremely limited in his cuisine interests (rejecting the entirety of Japanese/Chinese/Thai/Indian dishes), but I let him choose, and then went so far as to let him pick me up… in his car… at my condo. This is practically unheard of in my city dating experience, even more so because the restaurant we were headed to was between us, not on the way.
Seemed okay, though. As did extending an invite to join me at a friend’s birthday party after dinner. Now, to be fair, this wasn’t my core group of friends, and I was pretty sure I would know a maximum of 3 people at the bar including the birthday gal. I needed some backup, but it also seemed like a natural progression. And he did great, moving up a notch in overall attractiveness.
I don't know yet. Whether I like him, that is. I haven’t flipped that all important switch from “I don’t dislike him” to “I like him”. Normally it comes a bit sooner, like immediately, but normally I don’t make it to date #4.
It's taken me a long time to get here, though, so I don't want to get ahead of myself. As it turns out, when you meet someone you think you could really like, you don't actually worry about where it's going.
I should explain “regular dating”, since my belief system is clearly out of line with mainstream single America. In regular dating, it’s clear to both parties that you’re interested in each other. You talk – via phone, email, text – depends on the relationship, and you hang out in person. The hanging out is usually initiated by one party, and accepted by the other. You agree to do something at a specific date and time. And then you actually get together and do those things. Over time, you figure out whether you’re developing deeper feelings for each other. Oh, and you usually make out. A lot.
I guess that’s what I’ve been doing with The Bowler. Our lunch date led to a movie date, which ended with old school high school making out on my couch. We moved right into milestone date #3, which turned out to be a traditional dinner date. We hit a little snag in the restaurant choosing process – as the Bowler appears to be extremely limited in his cuisine interests (rejecting the entirety of Japanese/Chinese/Thai/Indian dishes), but I let him choose, and then went so far as to let him pick me up… in his car… at my condo. This is practically unheard of in my city dating experience, even more so because the restaurant we were headed to was between us, not on the way.
Seemed okay, though. As did extending an invite to join me at a friend’s birthday party after dinner. Now, to be fair, this wasn’t my core group of friends, and I was pretty sure I would know a maximum of 3 people at the bar including the birthday gal. I needed some backup, but it also seemed like a natural progression. And he did great, moving up a notch in overall attractiveness.
I don't know yet. Whether I like him, that is. I haven’t flipped that all important switch from “I don’t dislike him” to “I like him”. Normally it comes a bit sooner, like immediately, but normally I don’t make it to date #4.
It's taken me a long time to get here, though, so I don't want to get ahead of myself. As it turns out, when you meet someone you think you could really like, you don't actually worry about where it's going.
The "I Like You" Filter
Sunday, May 23, 2010
When you like someone, it’s like the whole relationship is seen through rose colored glasses.
Case in point: Let’s say you go out on a dinner date and each of you brings home leftovers. The next day you get an email from the guy saying that he’s enjoying his leftovers, but not as much as if he was eating them with you. If you like this guy, you probably just smiled. If you don’t like him, you just threw up a little bit.
On this blog I spend a lot of time railing on guys for their bad dating form, and in most cases their form would be unacceptable no matter how much I liked them. But mostly I think all those qualifications and behaviors I have outlined for my new boyfriend are just my mind’s way of letting me know I don’t like someone.
Take two guys I recently chatted with on OK Cupid.
Should you throw out your wish list of qualifications? Of course not. Just treat it for what it is. A wish list.
Case in point: Let’s say you go out on a dinner date and each of you brings home leftovers. The next day you get an email from the guy saying that he’s enjoying his leftovers, but not as much as if he was eating them with you. If you like this guy, you probably just smiled. If you don’t like him, you just threw up a little bit.
On this blog I spend a lot of time railing on guys for their bad dating form, and in most cases their form would be unacceptable no matter how much I liked them. But mostly I think all those qualifications and behaviors I have outlined for my new boyfriend are just my mind’s way of letting me know I don’t like someone.
Take two guys I recently chatted with on OK Cupid.
- Guy #1 was an attorney who had just relocated from New York. I responded to his IM without reading through his profile (don’t do that, by the way), just saw his teeny photo and age. Early in the chat he told me his divorce was going to be finalized the next week (as to why he relocated) and I told him that probably meant we weren't going to be a great match. I didn’t even want to learn about him – if he was still technically married I presumed he hadn’t distanced himself enough for a new relationship.
- Guy #2 was a guy who had shown up in my Quiver Matches and whose profile I found really amusing. I also thought he was cute in his pics. I basically already liked him, and when in our IM chat he told me he was unemployed it didn’t even phase me. Nor did the fact that he practically lived on the opposite corner of the city (outside of realistic taxi fare range).
Should you throw out your wish list of qualifications? Of course not. Just treat it for what it is. A wish list.
Blond Treehorn Thug: [holding up a bowling ball] What the fuck is this?
The Dude: Obviously you're not a golfer.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
This post is part of The Big Ledateski series. I recommend starting at the beginning.
Duder did not disappoint. Well, it was disappointing that he again used email to express his interest in seeing me again instead of giving me any indication of that interest while I was standing in front of him. But there it was, an email sent moments after he must have gotten home from our dinner date. It was titled “Date Debrief”. This guy wasn’t kidding when he said he wasn’t very good at dating.
The main content of the email was more of a follow up from a conversation we had had on our date. Duder had been lamenting having purchased tickets to a band show that was the same night as the NCAA final. Obviously he would be watching basketball, so he needed to offload the tickets. I had mentioned I had a friend who might be interested. I said that based on not recognizing most of the string of artists Duder listed as his favorites and that list sounding very familiar to a list my friend would have made.
In his email, Duder sent me the name of the band and show location, after stating that he “highly doubted my friend had even heard of them”. Then he launched into why my friend should look into this particular theater for live shows. I’m sure he was trying to be helpful, but he came off like a know it all.
As it turns out, my friend had not only heard of the band, he already had tickets. Here’s a hot tip for dating: give your date the benefit of the doubt. Just because YOU don’t believe she knows what she’s talking about, doesn’t mean she doesn’t. These fucking amateurs…
I digress. The rest of the email was about our dating. After restating he had a nice time he reminded me that he was still free on Thursday night. He then stated that his lack of early dating skills extended in no small part to not being able to come up with what to do. To conclude, he told me to enjoy the rest of the week.
I have another hot tip for dating: Stating you are available but suck at dating isn’t the best way to solicit a date suggestion. And even if you do suck, you still have to make an effort. Use the magic of the internet or your friends to come up with an idea. An interested gal will always counter suggest if she doesn’t like the option you presented her.
Now I was on the fence with Duder but I definitely thought he was a good guy. And it was stupidly clear he just needed someone to take hold of the dating reigns. I threw him a bone and made one last date suggestion. It was pretty awesome, I thought, an activity date involving dancing. A stretch, yes, which I explicitly stated in the email, but I really did think it would be fun if he agreed to go.
How would he react to such a bold challenge? Well, Dude, we just don't know.
Duder did not disappoint. Well, it was disappointing that he again used email to express his interest in seeing me again instead of giving me any indication of that interest while I was standing in front of him. But there it was, an email sent moments after he must have gotten home from our dinner date. It was titled “Date Debrief”. This guy wasn’t kidding when he said he wasn’t very good at dating.
The main content of the email was more of a follow up from a conversation we had had on our date. Duder had been lamenting having purchased tickets to a band show that was the same night as the NCAA final. Obviously he would be watching basketball, so he needed to offload the tickets. I had mentioned I had a friend who might be interested. I said that based on not recognizing most of the string of artists Duder listed as his favorites and that list sounding very familiar to a list my friend would have made.
In his email, Duder sent me the name of the band and show location, after stating that he “highly doubted my friend had even heard of them”. Then he launched into why my friend should look into this particular theater for live shows. I’m sure he was trying to be helpful, but he came off like a know it all.
As it turns out, my friend had not only heard of the band, he already had tickets. Here’s a hot tip for dating: give your date the benefit of the doubt. Just because YOU don’t believe she knows what she’s talking about, doesn’t mean she doesn’t. These fucking amateurs…
I digress. The rest of the email was about our dating. After restating he had a nice time he reminded me that he was still free on Thursday night. He then stated that his lack of early dating skills extended in no small part to not being able to come up with what to do. To conclude, he told me to enjoy the rest of the week.
I have another hot tip for dating: Stating you are available but suck at dating isn’t the best way to solicit a date suggestion. And even if you do suck, you still have to make an effort. Use the magic of the internet or your friends to come up with an idea. An interested gal will always counter suggest if she doesn’t like the option you presented her.
Now I was on the fence with Duder but I definitely thought he was a good guy. And it was stupidly clear he just needed someone to take hold of the dating reigns. I threw him a bone and made one last date suggestion. It was pretty awesome, I thought, an activity date involving dancing. A stretch, yes, which I explicitly stated in the email, but I really did think it would be fun if he agreed to go.
How would he react to such a bold challenge? Well, Dude, we just don't know.
A Double Standard
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
When I react negatively to an email I get from some guy I’ve started seeing everyone around me - men and women - encourages me not to judge so harshly. Its suggested that I give him the benefit of the doubt, that I read between the lines to come to an alternative, more preferable version of what his email means. I’m reminded that men don’t think about what they write (and apparently don’t spell check), and how they don’t want to come on too strong or are afraid of rejection.
Now when I write emails, or respond to the aforementioned undesired email, I typically ask someone to proof it first because I want to make sure it has the right tone. The feedback that I receive usually includes the phrases “that sounds harsh” or “you don’t want to crush his ego”, encouraging me to soften the language and make the email more upbeat… never mind what I’m actually feeling.
Uh, double standard much? I’m supposed to run through several iterations of what some guy really “meant” to say with his email because I might be misinterpreting it but I’m also expected to create multiple iterations of my own emails to make sure that they can’t be misinterpreted by that same guy? That’s bullshit.
If I have to think about word choice and tone and worry about how my interest level might be construed, then so should the men I am writing to. They can’t have it both ways - if they aren’t going to pay attention to what they’re writing, then neither am I.
! Note to men I’m going to date in the future: If you want me to think that you’re an intelligent individual, use correct grammar in your written communications. If you’re trying to express feelings or say “no” to something I suggest, maybe take a few minutes to read your email to see if it could be read differently than how you meant it. Adjust said email accordingly.
! Secondary note to those same men: If you get an email from me that sounds like I think you’re lame, I do. If it sounds like you’ve totally jacked things up with me and I’m not really sure I want to see you again, it’s because you have. I would see you again, though, if you could you show me that you aren’t lame, or that you’re sorry you jacked things up.
There are plenty of traditional male/female roles that I think have value, but the ability to communicate effectively isn’t one of them. I'll say it to my friend's toddlers and I'll say it to you. Use your words.
Now when I write emails, or respond to the aforementioned undesired email, I typically ask someone to proof it first because I want to make sure it has the right tone. The feedback that I receive usually includes the phrases “that sounds harsh” or “you don’t want to crush his ego”, encouraging me to soften the language and make the email more upbeat… never mind what I’m actually feeling.
Uh, double standard much? I’m supposed to run through several iterations of what some guy really “meant” to say with his email because I might be misinterpreting it but I’m also expected to create multiple iterations of my own emails to make sure that they can’t be misinterpreted by that same guy? That’s bullshit.
If I have to think about word choice and tone and worry about how my interest level might be construed, then so should the men I am writing to. They can’t have it both ways - if they aren’t going to pay attention to what they’re writing, then neither am I.
! Note to men I’m going to date in the future: If you want me to think that you’re an intelligent individual, use correct grammar in your written communications. If you’re trying to express feelings or say “no” to something I suggest, maybe take a few minutes to read your email to see if it could be read differently than how you meant it. Adjust said email accordingly.
! Secondary note to those same men: If you get an email from me that sounds like I think you’re lame, I do. If it sounds like you’ve totally jacked things up with me and I’m not really sure I want to see you again, it’s because you have. I would see you again, though, if you could you show me that you aren’t lame, or that you’re sorry you jacked things up.
There are plenty of traditional male/female roles that I think have value, but the ability to communicate effectively isn’t one of them. I'll say it to my friend's toddlers and I'll say it to you. Use your words.
“Safety First.”
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
My dad must have said this a thousand times throughout my childhood, and even now he still pulls it out when I’m describing some new adventure I’m going on. They’re good words to pass on to your kids – simple and to the point. I try to apply them to my life, including my dating life, and mostly I think I’m safe. My email doesn’t have my real name associated to it, I meet dates on location, I tell others where I’ll be and when possible I make friends with the bartender/bouncer/etc. in case things get way out of hand.
It’s a fine line, though. Dating requires you to share things about yourself, personal things, basically while interacting online, on the phone and in person with a complete and total stranger. You have to be careful without being paranoid. You have to maintain a safe distance without pushing your new interest away.
Take my first date with The Gentleman. We planned to meet for a drink but the details were decided on the fly, on the phone, while he was driving.
“Where do you want to meet?” he asks.
“Depends on where you are.” I respond.
“I’m just getting off at 123 Street.”
“Oh! That’s basically three blocks from my place,” I say, thinking Crap! I’ve still got jammy pants on.
“I could swing by and pick you up.”
“Uh, sure” I say, as alarm bells start sounding in my head. “Or I could just meet you…” I trail off. We haven’t decided where we’re going but we also don’t get into cars with men we don’t know.
I agree to be picked up, giving directions to my place (which I normally withhold until date #2, excluding make out dates, obviously) while hastily slapping on lip gloss and better pants. I figure if he or the car looks shady I can find a way to decline.
He isn’t; shady that is, and neither is his very expensive and European vehicle. Not only that, he gets out into the Chicago winter to greet me and put me into my seat. I feel like a kidnapping is very unlikely so I allow him to drive me literally 2 blocks to a corner cantina (which he chose, not me). The date itself is good; we have just one drink as planned as he has somewhere to be later, and the conversation flows. He’s very attractive, engaging, and seems to find me similarly so. I bump him to 2nd date status.
We head back to my place and while idling in front of my building he asks if he can use my restroom. He’s about 20 minutes from where he’s heading and hates to ask, but the bathroom at the bar left something to be desired. He would know, he had used it approx 1 hour earlier (he WAS gone awhile). I said sure, hesitating first to think of the state my bathroom was in. He confirms it’s okay with me. Yes, I say, as long as he promises to ignore the state of things in my place. Then as we’re walking down my hallway I suddenly start thinking DANGER! My condo is a long rectangle with only one exit. What if all this politeness was an act and once he gets into my place… my thoughts trail off and I decide to stay near the door in case he tries anything. And then once he’s in the bathroom I text a friend to call me in five minutes. Not sure how this will help, but I figure it can’t hurt. As it happens, she calls as I’m walking The Gentleman to the door, after he’s asked to see me again and is kissing my cheek.
I was safe this time, The Gentleman is deserving of his nickname, but I didn’t put my safety first. Not having something bad happen after making a potentially bad decision is just lucky. I think of all the times I’ve been even less safe – plan out irresponsible – and I’m thankful that my good will, or naiveté, hasn’t been taken advantage of. I should trust the men I’m dating, but only to the extent that they’ve validate they are trustworthy. And for their part, these men should respect my boundaries, whatever they are, until we are both comfortable.
Sometimes in my rush to respond, in my desire to be liked, I forget to give myself time to think. I blow by the warning flags I see popping up. Not anymore, though. I won’t tempt the fates and push my luck. I’ll go out with The Gentleman again, but I don’t think he’ll be visiting my bathroom anytime soon.
Safety First. Love Second.
It’s a fine line, though. Dating requires you to share things about yourself, personal things, basically while interacting online, on the phone and in person with a complete and total stranger. You have to be careful without being paranoid. You have to maintain a safe distance without pushing your new interest away.
Take my first date with The Gentleman. We planned to meet for a drink but the details were decided on the fly, on the phone, while he was driving.
“Where do you want to meet?” he asks.
“Depends on where you are.” I respond.
“I’m just getting off at 123 Street.”
“Oh! That’s basically three blocks from my place,” I say, thinking Crap! I’ve still got jammy pants on.
“I could swing by and pick you up.”
“Uh, sure” I say, as alarm bells start sounding in my head. “Or I could just meet you…” I trail off. We haven’t decided where we’re going but we also don’t get into cars with men we don’t know.
I agree to be picked up, giving directions to my place (which I normally withhold until date #2, excluding make out dates, obviously) while hastily slapping on lip gloss and better pants. I figure if he or the car looks shady I can find a way to decline.
He isn’t; shady that is, and neither is his very expensive and European vehicle. Not only that, he gets out into the Chicago winter to greet me and put me into my seat. I feel like a kidnapping is very unlikely so I allow him to drive me literally 2 blocks to a corner cantina (which he chose, not me). The date itself is good; we have just one drink as planned as he has somewhere to be later, and the conversation flows. He’s very attractive, engaging, and seems to find me similarly so. I bump him to 2nd date status.
We head back to my place and while idling in front of my building he asks if he can use my restroom. He’s about 20 minutes from where he’s heading and hates to ask, but the bathroom at the bar left something to be desired. He would know, he had used it approx 1 hour earlier (he WAS gone awhile). I said sure, hesitating first to think of the state my bathroom was in. He confirms it’s okay with me. Yes, I say, as long as he promises to ignore the state of things in my place. Then as we’re walking down my hallway I suddenly start thinking DANGER! My condo is a long rectangle with only one exit. What if all this politeness was an act and once he gets into my place… my thoughts trail off and I decide to stay near the door in case he tries anything. And then once he’s in the bathroom I text a friend to call me in five minutes. Not sure how this will help, but I figure it can’t hurt. As it happens, she calls as I’m walking The Gentleman to the door, after he’s asked to see me again and is kissing my cheek.
I was safe this time, The Gentleman is deserving of his nickname, but I didn’t put my safety first. Not having something bad happen after making a potentially bad decision is just lucky. I think of all the times I’ve been even less safe – plan out irresponsible – and I’m thankful that my good will, or naiveté, hasn’t been taken advantage of. I should trust the men I’m dating, but only to the extent that they’ve validate they are trustworthy. And for their part, these men should respect my boundaries, whatever they are, until we are both comfortable.
Sometimes in my rush to respond, in my desire to be liked, I forget to give myself time to think. I blow by the warning flags I see popping up. Not anymore, though. I won’t tempt the fates and push my luck. I’ll go out with The Gentleman again, but I don’t think he’ll be visiting my bathroom anytime soon.
Safety First. Love Second.
The Secret Rules
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Everyone has their own likes and dislikes of dating, behaviors they expect, behaviors that turn them on or turn them off. They’re secret rules, rules that it would never make sense to tell people but that in a lot of ways drive your early attraction to someone. These are mine*.
(1) The 24-Hour Rule
You need to respond within 24-hours to an invitation to do something. Not doing so implies you’re not interested and unsure how to say “no”, weighing your interest but not giving it much thought, or waiting to see whether something better comes along. If your response is any of the above you can always respond, referencing a potential, possibly made-up conflict and then get back to them a day or two after that with a confirmation. Don’t leave them hanging.
Conversely, you need to give someone at least 24-hours to return your phone call before calling again. If someone hasn’t called you back yet, don’t assume they are ignoring you, they could easily be busy at work, at previously made plans or in a terrible mood. Calling them too frequently implies that you have nothing else going on. Also, it’s stalking.
(2) The 72-Hour Rule
When you are beginning to communicate with someone and/or are in the early stages of dating, you need to be in contact at least once every 72-hours. Not being in contact tells me you’re too busy for a new relationship, not interested enough in the particular person to make time for them, or flat out not that interested. You aren’t going to put your life on hold for someone you just met, but if you like them you should want to be in touch with them at least every few days in some manner (phone, email, in person).
>> Exceptions to the time rules include: time-sensitive invitations, crazy work schedules, legitimately losing your telephone and being on vacation (which you may/may not have mentioned, depending on where you are in the dating process) <<
(3) The Grammar Rule
If you’re taking the time to send me a message, take the time to make it grammatically correct. “You” should always be spelled as such; “u” will get you nowhere. You’re not saving any time without those two additional letters, but you are seriously dropping my general estimation of your intelligence.
(4) The Date Rule
If you want to see me in person, ask me on a date. Date invitations include a suggested date/time and location/activity. Saying “we should get together” is not asking me out on a date. Sure, suggesting we do something may result in less rejection if I say no, but it’s telling me you don’t care enough about seeing me to think of something to do together first. And maybe that you're a coward.
For every good rule there's a great guy that broke it and was given an undisclosed number of chances to redeem himself, but ultimately the rules are there for a reason. Mostly for my sanity, but also for the safety and well-being of those wanting to date me.
* Please note that my rules are for me. You can have whatever rules you like.
(1) The 24-Hour Rule
You need to respond within 24-hours to an invitation to do something. Not doing so implies you’re not interested and unsure how to say “no”, weighing your interest but not giving it much thought, or waiting to see whether something better comes along. If your response is any of the above you can always respond, referencing a potential, possibly made-up conflict and then get back to them a day or two after that with a confirmation. Don’t leave them hanging.
Conversely, you need to give someone at least 24-hours to return your phone call before calling again. If someone hasn’t called you back yet, don’t assume they are ignoring you, they could easily be busy at work, at previously made plans or in a terrible mood. Calling them too frequently implies that you have nothing else going on. Also, it’s stalking.
(2) The 72-Hour Rule
When you are beginning to communicate with someone and/or are in the early stages of dating, you need to be in contact at least once every 72-hours. Not being in contact tells me you’re too busy for a new relationship, not interested enough in the particular person to make time for them, or flat out not that interested. You aren’t going to put your life on hold for someone you just met, but if you like them you should want to be in touch with them at least every few days in some manner (phone, email, in person).
>> Exceptions to the time rules include: time-sensitive invitations, crazy work schedules, legitimately losing your telephone and being on vacation (which you may/may not have mentioned, depending on where you are in the dating process) <<
(3) The Grammar Rule
If you’re taking the time to send me a message, take the time to make it grammatically correct. “You” should always be spelled as such; “u” will get you nowhere. You’re not saving any time without those two additional letters, but you are seriously dropping my general estimation of your intelligence.
(4) The Date Rule
If you want to see me in person, ask me on a date. Date invitations include a suggested date/time and location/activity. Saying “we should get together” is not asking me out on a date. Sure, suggesting we do something may result in less rejection if I say no, but it’s telling me you don’t care enough about seeing me to think of something to do together first. And maybe that you're a coward.
For every good rule there's a great guy that broke it and was given an undisclosed number of chances to redeem himself, but ultimately the rules are there for a reason. Mostly for my sanity, but also for the safety and well-being of those wanting to date me.
* Please note that my rules are for me. You can have whatever rules you like.
I Think I Just Got Schooled!
Saturday, January 2, 2010
I feel like I've just gotten a swift kick in the ass. I have a new dating approach for 2010 courtesy of one of my readers, which I am posting in it’s entirety below so everyone can benefit from it's wisdom. Not sure if it’s the timing or the tone or the actual advice, but something about it made me sit up and really pay attention.
To Anonymous, I say, Yes, ma'am! And more importantly, Thanks, I think I needed that.
***
I am a woman in my mid-30s whose dating life unfolded much the same as yours has (and that's why I love reading your well-written blog).
I eventually met my husband on Match (at age 36). But I didn't get anywhere with dating, or with Match, until I decided to follow a friend's simple advice: when a guy displays even a hint of weirdness or something that gives you pause or something that you just don't like, kick him to the curb! Don't analyze, don't call, don't second-guess -- just give him the boot and move on to the next guy. Listen to what your instincts are telling you!
Now you're probably thinking: "Well, shouldn't I give men a chance? Shouldn't I put myself out there? What if it's just me being scared?" Trust me, you're not going to miss out on McDreamy, and you can't rationalize away shady, rude, commitment-phobic men (i.e. Surf Dude).
I have been there. There's going to be another snowy street, and there's going to be another hand to hold, and I know you want it to be the right one. You don't need to be on "high alert". You don't need to "wait and see". He came up with some bullshit illness excuse for not attending one of the best games of the year and then has the balls to suggest (even before your second date) that you get naked? And don't even get me started on "c p", his texting-in-place-of-calling, or the absence of his name on his voice mail. He is not even worth another minute of your precious time.
I understand that the "next, please!" approach is easier said than done. I had a really, really tough time doing it at first, after so many years of giving second, third and fourth chances that turned into months of me spinning my wheels. But then I decided that if I was ever going to meet a man who would pick up the phone (not text), invite me to dinner, and then call me the next day, I had to stop wasting time on losers. As cheesy as it sounds, I actually made a list of "weird" behavior that I wouldn't tolerate. I had a lot of experience to draw on, and it helped to look back on all the patterns that inevitably emerged from men who weren't willing to pursue a healthy, long-term relationship for one reason or another.
There is a challenging, smart, funny, good-looking gentleman out there somewhere for you. I am sure of it, and I have learned in the best way possible that life can change in the blink of an eye. Now get going!
To Anonymous, I say, Yes, ma'am! And more importantly, Thanks, I think I needed that.
***
I am a woman in my mid-30s whose dating life unfolded much the same as yours has (and that's why I love reading your well-written blog).
I eventually met my husband on Match (at age 36). But I didn't get anywhere with dating, or with Match, until I decided to follow a friend's simple advice: when a guy displays even a hint of weirdness or something that gives you pause or something that you just don't like, kick him to the curb! Don't analyze, don't call, don't second-guess -- just give him the boot and move on to the next guy. Listen to what your instincts are telling you!
Now you're probably thinking: "Well, shouldn't I give men a chance? Shouldn't I put myself out there? What if it's just me being scared?" Trust me, you're not going to miss out on McDreamy, and you can't rationalize away shady, rude, commitment-phobic men (i.e. Surf Dude).
I have been there. There's going to be another snowy street, and there's going to be another hand to hold, and I know you want it to be the right one. You don't need to be on "high alert". You don't need to "wait and see". He came up with some bullshit illness excuse for not attending one of the best games of the year and then has the balls to suggest (even before your second date) that you get naked? And don't even get me started on "c p", his texting-in-place-of-calling, or the absence of his name on his voice mail. He is not even worth another minute of your precious time.
I understand that the "next, please!" approach is easier said than done. I had a really, really tough time doing it at first, after so many years of giving second, third and fourth chances that turned into months of me spinning my wheels. But then I decided that if I was ever going to meet a man who would pick up the phone (not text), invite me to dinner, and then call me the next day, I had to stop wasting time on losers. As cheesy as it sounds, I actually made a list of "weird" behavior that I wouldn't tolerate. I had a lot of experience to draw on, and it helped to look back on all the patterns that inevitably emerged from men who weren't willing to pursue a healthy, long-term relationship for one reason or another.
There is a challenging, smart, funny, good-looking gentleman out there somewhere for you. I am sure of it, and I have learned in the best way possible that life can change in the blink of an eye. Now get going!
Merry Christmas to Me!
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Even though I’ve spent the better part of this year making sport of the dating deficiencies in the men I seem to attract I clearly ended up on the “Nice” list. I received an early, awesome Christmas present on Wednesday in the form of my latest first date.
We met on Match.com in short order. Wink (his), email (mine followed by his), phone call (mine), date suggestion (his). We met for drinks (his suggestion) at a bar where we could catch the basketball game (my contribution). Simply put we hit it off.
I won’t bore you with the adorableness of a great first date (except to say there was hand holding while walking the streets of the city while it snowed) but I will say this. When you meet someone you have chemistry with, you know right away. I think I had forgotten what that feels like - it’s exciting and nerve-wracking and full of promise. Lesson #1: No one should waste their time trying to manufacture chemistry. Just keep looking till you find it.
The other thing about this one is I think I’ve met someone who will actually be a good personality match for me. For awhile now I've been thinking (read: know) I should date someone who’s more type A than I, someone who says what he thinks and goes after what he wants. This guy is super direct, focused, and kind of intense (in a way that makes him even hotter than he already is).
I will have to seriously step up to the plate to date this man. You see, even though I am perfectly capable of stating my mind in my non-dating life, I get all insecure like in my dating life. I think I seek out relationships with guys who won’t expect me to talk about feelings and such, who aren’t capable of being that strong guy presence. Those relationships don’t work, because I'm holding back, waiting for them to drive things forward and they never will.
That will not be the case with this man, and he deserves someone who is available and honest about what they're feeling. Lesson #2: Put yourself out there. When you do meet someone you click with, don't hold back (especially if it challenges some of your dating insecurities).
So I’m excited, a little nervous, and hopeful. More to come on this one, say early next week after our already scheduled Monday night (football) date?
We met on Match.com in short order. Wink (his), email (mine followed by his), phone call (mine), date suggestion (his). We met for drinks (his suggestion) at a bar where we could catch the basketball game (my contribution). Simply put we hit it off.
I won’t bore you with the adorableness of a great first date (except to say there was hand holding while walking the streets of the city while it snowed) but I will say this. When you meet someone you have chemistry with, you know right away. I think I had forgotten what that feels like - it’s exciting and nerve-wracking and full of promise. Lesson #1: No one should waste their time trying to manufacture chemistry. Just keep looking till you find it.
The other thing about this one is I think I’ve met someone who will actually be a good personality match for me. For awhile now I've been thinking (read: know) I should date someone who’s more type A than I, someone who says what he thinks and goes after what he wants. This guy is super direct, focused, and kind of intense (in a way that makes him even hotter than he already is).
I will have to seriously step up to the plate to date this man. You see, even though I am perfectly capable of stating my mind in my non-dating life, I get all insecure like in my dating life. I think I seek out relationships with guys who won’t expect me to talk about feelings and such, who aren’t capable of being that strong guy presence. Those relationships don’t work, because I'm holding back, waiting for them to drive things forward and they never will.
That will not be the case with this man, and he deserves someone who is available and honest about what they're feeling. Lesson #2: Put yourself out there. When you do meet someone you click with, don't hold back (especially if it challenges some of your dating insecurities).
So I’m excited, a little nervous, and hopeful. More to come on this one, say early next week after our already scheduled Monday night (football) date?
Dating Imitates Work
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Surf Dude is a project. He’s a project in that I don’t think he knows what he should be doing to push our relationship forward and most of what he does do seems way too advanced for where we actually are.
I say all the time that I don‘t want a dating project, which is ironic since what I do for a living centers around project based work. I work with companies that interact with mine, walking them through a process to get them ready for new or changed aspects of the data that goes back and forth between us. I lay out a time line, the different steps of our testing, applicable dependencies and such. I provide status as to their progress, whether they’re on track to complete by the deadline or whether they’re falling behind. I get a great deal of satisfaction when I am able to bring a business partner up to par and successfully sign-off on their readiness.
Why wouldn’t I want to use some of those skills in my dating relationships? Presumably someone who’s still single (but would prefer not to be) hasn’t gotten it right yet and may need some coaching to sustain a successful, longer term relationship. I get assistance from my friends, why couldn’t I be more vocal with guys I’m involved with to try and coach them?
I’m not going to make a project plan, of course, not going to identify dating milestones and tell him that his status is Yellow bordering on Red. I can let him know what I’m looking for, specifically, in terms of moving our relationship forward though. And I can see whether he is interested and/or able to do that. If not, I can walk away from it knowing I really gave it a decent shot.
Surf Dude may be like that super difficult client I had at the beginning of this past year. They were weeks and weeks behind schedule and yet I was able to whip them into shape and launch them on their desired go-live. It wasn't always easy, but with the right amount of pressure and assistance they were soon on their way.
Maybe Surf Dude just needs a map to my heart. Fortunately for him I'm excellent at graphical representations of projects, too.
I say all the time that I don‘t want a dating project, which is ironic since what I do for a living centers around project based work. I work with companies that interact with mine, walking them through a process to get them ready for new or changed aspects of the data that goes back and forth between us. I lay out a time line, the different steps of our testing, applicable dependencies and such. I provide status as to their progress, whether they’re on track to complete by the deadline or whether they’re falling behind. I get a great deal of satisfaction when I am able to bring a business partner up to par and successfully sign-off on their readiness.
Why wouldn’t I want to use some of those skills in my dating relationships? Presumably someone who’s still single (but would prefer not to be) hasn’t gotten it right yet and may need some coaching to sustain a successful, longer term relationship. I get assistance from my friends, why couldn’t I be more vocal with guys I’m involved with to try and coach them?
I’m not going to make a project plan, of course, not going to identify dating milestones and tell him that his status is Yellow bordering on Red. I can let him know what I’m looking for, specifically, in terms of moving our relationship forward though. And I can see whether he is interested and/or able to do that. If not, I can walk away from it knowing I really gave it a decent shot.
Surf Dude may be like that super difficult client I had at the beginning of this past year. They were weeks and weeks behind schedule and yet I was able to whip them into shape and launch them on their desired go-live. It wasn't always easy, but with the right amount of pressure and assistance they were soon on their way.
Maybe Surf Dude just needs a map to my heart. Fortunately for him I'm excellent at graphical representations of projects, too.
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