The "I Like You" Filter

Sunday, May 23, 2010
When you like someone, it’s like the whole relationship is seen through rose colored glasses.

Case in point: Let’s say you go out on a dinner date and each of you brings home leftovers. The next day you get an email from the guy saying that he’s enjoying his leftovers, but not as much as if he was eating them with you. If you like this guy, you probably just smiled. If you don’t like him, you just threw up a little bit.

On this blog I spend a lot of time railing on guys for their bad dating form, and in most cases their form would be unacceptable no matter how much I liked them. But mostly I think all those qualifications and behaviors I have outlined for my new boyfriend are just my mind’s way of letting me know I don’t like someone.

Take two guys I recently chatted with on OK Cupid.
  • Guy #1 was an attorney who had just relocated from New York. I responded to his IM without reading through his profile (don’t do that, by the way), just saw his teeny photo and age. Early in the chat he told me his divorce was going to be finalized the next week (as to why he relocated) and I told him that probably meant we weren't going to be a great match. I didn’t even want to learn about him – if he was still technically married I presumed he hadn’t distanced himself enough for a new relationship.
  • Guy #2 was a guy who had shown up in my Quiver Matches and whose profile I found really amusing. I also thought he was cute in his pics. I basically already liked him, and when in our IM chat he told me he was unemployed it didn’t even phase me. Nor did the fact that he practically lived on the opposite corner of the city (outside of realistic taxi fare range).
They’re not the same situations, but the point still stands. I appreciated the honesty of both guys, but Guy #2 got past all initial, surface verifications even though he didn’t meet a number of my usual standards. If I had liked the profile of Guy #1 I probably would have given him something of a chance.

Should you throw out your wish list of qualifications? Of course not. Just treat it for what it is. A wish list.


Plentymorefishoutofwater said...

Liked this post. More analytical than your usual stuff but I liked it nonetheless.
*Plentymorefishoutofwater - One Man's Dating Diary*

Lexicorro said...

it's a scientifically proven fact that the nature of initial impressions (postive or negative) massively affects subsequent impressions.

Dater at Large said...

PMFOOW: I don't seem crazy analytical in all my posts? Thank you!

Lexicorro: If you're going to quote fact, you better cite your source!

Simone Grant said...

Maybe not rose-colored glasses. But certainly colored or affected by our feelings.

And anyone who insists otherwise is a fool.

jo said...

i see exactly where you're coming from. which is why i've always said that if a girl likes a guy, he doesn't need to jump through hoops (though he obviously has to treat her well) to impress her in order to get her to be with him. i think only the less confident guys feel the need to bend over backwards to get a girl. and if he does get her, she's probably only being with him 'coz all his bending over backwards justified the other reasons why she wasn't too interested in him in the first place.