Baby Steps.

Once I started thinking about the content of all the chatting Summer Boy and I were doing, I realized something. He talked a lot about relationships. A LOT about them. I submit the following into evidence:

1. He told a lot of stories involving the phrase "I was dating this girl at the time"… and definitely referenced exes who continued to be interested in him long after he had cut ties
   
2. He called me from a bachelor party that he found tedious, and later assured me that at HIS bachelor party they would not be going to a strip club (they would be golfing)
   
3. After giving me the low down from a wedding he had attended that got way out of hand (The bride punched some dude. At a bar. In her wedding dress.) he mentioned that he wasn’t sure he’d be able to top that at his own wedding
4. He said his friends were “living the good life”, with kids, a dog and a big house
5. He suggested that if and when either of us started seeing someone else, even casually, that we tell the other person about it. Originally I had agreed, but then I rescinded my agreement when I realized that sounded a lot like a no-strings attached monogamous relationship.

I’m pretty sure I can chalk up the prior girlfriends speak to him wanting to make himself seem desirable (or believing he was that desirable), but was I missing something? Was Summer Boy trying to suggest that we move towards an actual relationship? The thought was worrying on several levels.

I have a long and storied history of missing signals... of ignoring where relationships are leading only to miss the window of opportunity and be saddened later to realize (a) that I had really card for someone and (b) that I had missed my chance. I didn’t want that to happen here, I didn't want to lose Summer Boy.

I’ve also recently been considering the possibility that I have a serious road block to relationships that has everything to do with me and nothing to do with the men I’ve been involved with. That when I’m faced with a relationship that has somewhere to go I do something that would be destructive to it. Like meeting up with an old flame or disappearing for awhile, and almost always refusing to share or address my feelings (with him, with myself, with the friends who don't know me well enough to know I'm full of it).

It was terrifying, and ridiculous, being so afraid to tell someone you liked them.

But then it just happened. A perfectly normal, flirtatious conversation about sexy time turned into an admission that I'd be interested in being seen outside of the bedroom with him, in the context of an actual relationship. I said it wasn’t something I thought we needed to do anytime soon, but something to consider.

I felt nauseous. But also proud of myself. Baby steps to dating. Maybe I should get a gold fish.