Oh No He Didn't!

Sunday, October 31, 2010
In the end I went with drunk texting as the mechanism for ending things with Summer Boy. I had started with a simple email on Sunday stating that I thought that whatever was happening between us had run its course. I was too riled up to blow him off entirely, but I thought I’d “take the high road” by ignoring the questionable timing of the CraigsList posts entirely.

Of course I didn’t hear anything back from my email, so Monday when I got home from work I hopped right onto CL to see if he had posted anything. He had, that bastard.

There he was, with his stupid same picture he always used, looking to see if anyone wanted to go to the open mic comedy night at this bar by his place. An exact date he had suggested he and I go on a few weeks earlier (but never followed through with).

Oh how he was hurting my pride! Oh how I wanted to scream and shout and stomp! Oh how I should not have had so much sangria!

The text messaging that ensued next was not my finest moment in breakups but it did help me get a much clearer perspective on Summer Boy and how detached from the reality of our situation he seemed to be.

Me: I would have gone to the comedy show with you! But I hope you found a new friend.
Him: Well... I would have asked but as you put it 'things have run their course'.
Him: But just so you know... I am at the comedy show by myself.

Right. He hadn’t mentioned getting together on Monday as late as Sunday evening when I sent him my “it’s over” email but I’m sure he would have. Eventually.

Me: Look, the timing of your posts makes you seem shady. Or like I’m your last resort. Which is fine, just a bummer for me. Plus I am looking for someone a bit more available. So it seemed like a good time to stop trying to see you, and find someone who was more into me.
Him: Well... I can tell you I am not seeing other people and up until the email I got from you I was going to see if you wanted to join but next thing I knew I was being stonewalled.

Stonewalled? I sent one email saying I thought things were over. It's not like I'd been refusing to talk to him about it.

Me: Then why all the CL posts? I would have believed you b/f I saw them. Seems you are looking for someone else. I didn't like the feeling so I thought I would cut out.
Him: Posted and then never really read the responses... just deleted them.

Liar, liar, pants on fire. Practically the only reason to post on CL is to read the ridiculous responses!

Him: And you tried to make me feel bad for posting yet... seems like you were checking…
Me: Please. I only just saw them. I was out there b/c it seemed things weren't going anywhere with you.
Him: Funny... same reason I was out there... hmmmm
Me: Bullshit. I try to see you all the time.

Is it me, or has his whole defense been to blame me? I’m being shady because I’m out on CraigsList reading his posts? The ones he posted while he was texting me about being somewhere else after turning down my suggestion to do something that same night?

It also did not go unnoticed that he flat out ignored my accusation that he had lied the prior Friday (in texts not re-printed), which only made it seem more likely that it was true. And I’m not sure what he thought he would gain by constantly pointing out that he wasn’t seeing other people. We were ALLOWED to see other people. We had a NO STRINGS ATTACHED relationship.

It was stupid, initiating a texting war while angry and tipsy. It was childish, him throwing back all my questions instead of simply answering them. And it was infuriating, he had completely missed my point, which was that he wasn’t interested in spending time with me, which, by all accounts, he wasn’t.

It was useful, though, because it gave me what I needed. It was over.

Eyes Wide Open.

Thursday, October 28, 2010
Over the next few weeks Summer Boy and I did sort of take steps towards more of an actual relationship, we scheduled to hang out in advance and even went out to dinner! Mostly, though, we continued to have trouble meeting up in person.

Although it was split pretty evenly between him and me not being available when the other tied to initiate something it started to feel like I was the only one making any effort to make room for him in my schedule. As much as I liked him it was getting kind of pointless, all that chatting and texting but never spending any real time together. What was the point?

I reached my breaking point one Friday when Summer Boy had told me he was booked for the rest of that week and weekend. We ended up texting that Friday – I thought we might be able to meet up later – and he told me he was babysitting. In the suburbs. For his friend.

What grown man babysits for friends who live an hour away, in suburbs that are teeming with teenagers willing to babysit, unless it’s an emergency? Clearly I wasn’t ranking anywhere on his priority list. Clearly I never would.

So the next morning I turned my dating profile back on and checked CraigsList. And there he was. Everywhere. All posts exactly like the one I had originally responded to. Sunday morning - before he had asked me whether I had "missed" an email from him, and mid-week, and even the night before. He had posted about wanting to go out for happy hour drinks approximately 2 hours before telling me he was babysitting in the burbs.

I AM AN IDIOT. Obviously he wasn’t available to do anything with me because he was looking for someone else to do things with. Even on days when I had tried to see him. I mean, it’s fine if he was seeing other people, and certainly it was fine he was looking for something other than what I had to offer, but I couldn’t get past feeling like he’d lied to me.

Lied about where he was that Friday, specifically, for no reason whatsoever. He’d always given me all this detail that I never asked for - I assumed it was because he used to date someone who always made him give them the where / when / with whom. And I didn’t care, truthfully, if he wasn’t available I would have been happy for him to just say "No". But now I was thinking maybe it was so I wouldn’t ask any questions, so I would just take him at his word.

I AM A COMPLETE AND TOTAL IDIOT. I had believed him, because I hadn’t had any reason not to, and now everything he’d told me was thrown into question. Certainly whatever I thought was happening between us was not.

My eyes were open, but I could barely see through the tears of surprise, hurt, anger and indignation that were suddenly overflowing them. Who the hell did Summer Boy think he was?

And more importantly, just who the hell did he think he was dealing with? I am a lot of things, but I am nobody’s fool. I felt like an idiot, yes, but I wasn’t one. Looks like Summer Boy was due for some eye opening of his own.


Sunday, October 24, 2010
I realized why I had kept missing the window in previous relationships as soon as I told Summer Boy that I would be interested in dating him. Telling someone you want to date them basically means you’ve requested that the relationship move forward, even if it’s at some nondescript point in the future. The other person has to decide whether they want to move forward with you, and they can’t take forever to decide.

Having never told a boy before that I liked him first I had had no idea! In not wanting to miss the window I had actually started the clock. And it was counting down.


Even less exciting, it seems I had not correctly interpreted Summer Boy’s non-stop chatter about relationships. He rejected the idea that he was a relationship guy… saying he hadn’t called anyone his girlfriend in years, that he hadn’t introduced any of the recent gals he’d been involved with to any of his friends (something about them not being able to hold their own – although he added he thought I would be able to) and that he wasn’t sure whether he was ready to adjust his lifestyle to having a girlfriend again. He didn’t fully reject the idea of dating me, mind you, just completely disagreed with me when I explained where my statements about wanting to date had come from.

Actually, I think I interpreted him just fine. Whether he thinks so or not, relationships are on his mind, otherwise he wouldn’t constantly be talking about them. I think it’s entirely possible that Summer Boy is even more terrified of relationships than I am.

I had meant what I said to him, though, about not wanting to move immediately to a full-blown dating relationship, so technically we could keep going as we were for awhile. If it turned out we wanted different things, I’d at least have made my intentions clear.

I had no idea how much time the Universe put on relationships clocks, but I couldn’t imagine there was any reason to panic. Yet.

Baby Steps.

Thursday, October 21, 2010
Once I started thinking about the content of all the chatting Summer Boy and I were doing, I realized something. He talked a lot about relationships. A LOT about them. I submit the following into evidence:
  1. He told a lot of stories involving the phrase "I was dating this girl at the time"… and definitely referenced exes who continued to be interested in him long after he had cut ties
  2. He called me from a bachelor party that he found tedious, and later assured me that at HIS bachelor party they would not be going to a strip club (they would be golfing)
  3. After giving me the low down from a wedding he had attended that got way out of hand (The bride punched some dude. At a bar. In her wedding dress.) he mentioned that he wasn’t sure he’d be able to top that at his own wedding
  4. He said his friends were “living the good life”, with kids, a dog and a big house
  5. He suggested that if and when either of us started seeing someone else, even casually, that we tell the other person about it. Originally I had agreed, but then I rescinded my agreement when I realized that sounded a lot like a no-strings attached monogamous relationship.
I’m pretty sure I can chalk up the prior girlfriends speak to him wanting to make himself seem desirable (or believing he was that desirable), but was I missing something? Was Summer Boy trying to suggest that we move towards an actual relationship? The thought was worrying on several levels.

I have a long and storied history of missing signals... of ignoring where relationships are leading only to miss the window of opportunity and be saddened later to realize (a) that I had really card for someone and (b) that I had missed my chance. I didn’t want that to happen here, I didn't want to lose Summer Boy.

I’ve also recently been considering the possibility that I have a serious road block to relationships that has everything to do with me and nothing to do with the men I’ve been involved with. That when I’m faced with a relationship that has somewhere to go I do something that would be destructive to it. Like meeting up with an old flame or disappearing for awhile, and almost always refusing to share or address my feelings (with him, with myself, with the friends who don't know me well enough to know I'm full of it).

It was terrifying, and ridiculous, being so afraid to tell someone you liked them.

But then it just happened. A perfectly normal, flirtatious conversation about sexy time turned into an admission that I'd be interested in being seen outside of the bedroom with him, in the context of an actual relationship. I said it wasn’t something I thought we needed to do anytime soon, but something to consider.

I felt nauseous. But also proud of myself. Baby steps to dating. Maybe I should get a gold fish.

Pillow Talk

Tuesday, October 12, 2010
All that nonsense with the Karaoke King happened during the sexy time blackout with Summer Boy. Despite the blackout, communication remained high – emails, texts and even a phone call towards the end of my lake house vacation.

Communication was actually one of the reasons I liked Summer Boy so much. Even from the beginning there had been lots of pillow talk mixed into the sexy time. We covered all the bases – work, family, social life – and I had kind of gotten used to talking to him on a regular basis.

The longer our scene went on, though, the more I couldn’t decide how I felt about it. I definitely liked the chatting, and I’m pretty sure without it I wouldn’t have been as into him in general. I was worried he just needed a friend, though, that he just needed to talk to someone, not that he wanted to talk to me, specifically. And even if it was me that he wanted to talk to, I wasn’t sure the content of our chatting fell within the bounds of our loosely defined relationship.

Offloading about your crazy work day, fine. Discussing your latest running split times, completely appropriate. But breaking down the last few times you’ve eaten meat (a burger the night the Hawks won the cup and once or twice where he had a slice of pizza with some meat on it) even though you had decided to give it up and how you were waiting to give up sweets because you were a sucker for cake and your niece’s birthday was coming up? That’s not sexy or interesting.

If I was going to have to keep up with all the going ons of his friends (and also their names) shouldn’t I get something in return? Like dinner? I certainly wasn’t getting extra sexy time for all that listening.

Ah, there it is. That nagging feeling that my carefree, no strings attached summer fun scene was creeping into the realm of relationship land. That’s not what I had signed up for! Maybe once our schedules aligned better we could lay off the chatting and get refocused. I certainly hope so, I don’t think I’m ready to start reading Summer Boy’s food journal.

The Chicken Dance.

Monday, October 11, 2010
karaoke king
overwhelming love ballads
this one’s out of tune

It took me almost as long to cut thing off with the Karaoke King as it took me to get this next post out. When it came down to it, I sort of chickened out.

I’m a firm believer that in early dating it doesn’t really matter why you don’t want to date someone, it just matters that you let them know you don’t want to date them. I think it can be done in a way that is mature; basically you’re freeing both of you up to find what will work for you, instead of wasting time with each other. Not everyone subscribes to this philosophy, though, and I’ve had lots of guys reject my reasons and try to find loopholes when I’ve given them the honest reason I don’t want to date them.

Having had some good times with the Karaoke King I was pretty sure he’d reject my initial reasons for not pursuing anything further. I wasn’t as direct as I normally am, hence the repeat attempts.

My first try was during an IM session. I alluded to the high volume of messages from him with the low (read: no) volume of messages back from me. I said I felt it was a bit much. He said that was just how he was! And I said that was great and I didn’t think he should change that. He agreed that he wouldn’t, but that he’d try to tone it down.

Actually I think he left things entirely in my hands, which was convenient since I promptly went back to the lake house for 10 days where I didn’t check my email or phone and therefore didn’t contact him. He was undeterred, and after waiting an impressive week or so to get in touch with me himself there were a series of emails and texts that didn’t… go… well.

Example. I’m out with pals at the local pizza joint when he texts to see what I’m up to. In the course of the conversation he says that I’m welcome to come by his place. I respond in the negative, saying something like “boys come to pretty girls, not the other way around”.

I was bitchy and kind of self-assuming, but I did get the point across that I wasn’t really interested in pursuing anything with him. There wasn't any reason to be mean to him, so I did end things officially with an email, citing the age old “timing” as the cause.

It wasn't true, but it did have a nice touch of irony to it since I had originally expressed interest in him when he wasn’t actively seeking a relationship. I do like an ironic finish.

And It Only Got Worse.

Friday, October 1, 2010
Lunch with the Karaoke King went fine despite his recent admission of wanting to smother me… I was quite distracted by my get groceries / work Friday / meet friends for dinner / head out of town plan, but he couldn’t have been happier with the Mediterranean place I had chosen so he was content to listen to me babble while eating hummus. We parted in front of my office (no kiss, thankfully!) and then things went downhill in rapid succession.

First I got a text message later that same afternoon saying he’d had a “wonderful time” at lunch followed by an emoticon that I couldn’t decipher. The magic of the internet and K’s little brother’s know how later we arrived at a translation that definitively required clarification from the Karaoke King. He said on his BBM it had meant hugs. Translated onto my phone it meant vagina. I obviously didn’t tell HIM that, but I didn’t have much time to chat because I really did have a million things to get to before the weekend.

Friday afternoon he sent me a text message stating the following: that he couldn’t wait to see my hair (I had gotten it cut Thursday night), that he hoped I had figured out my shop/pack/travel plan and that he hoped my day was going well. I didn’t even see the message until I left the office after 5p, at which point I received a second text, which said he hoped I was already on my way and to have a safe drive up to the lakehouse. And he signed it “smooches”. Oh, and he also included a picture with the message, which was of his face looking into his phone. It was creepy, and I was running late, so I put my phone in my purse and kept moving towards my weekend.

He called me about 3 hours later, when I was in the car (still on the way to the lakehouse) and left a voicemail. For those of you following along at home, that’s 3 messages in the span of approximately 7 hours, with no response from me.

Saturday morning I received a text saying he hoped I had a good run and that he would be rooting for Ghana in soccer later that day (they were one of my teams in the office pool). And now the count is at 4 messages in less than 24-hours with no response.

You all know my rules! This was a serious violation. I sent him back a friendly text Saturday morning, but made it clear I didn’t check my phone at the lakehouse (i.e. stop stalking me!). Sunday morning I received a message around 3 AM. Paraphrased it read: I know I can’t talk to you right now, but I just want to hold you and kiss you. You’re the woman I want to be with!

Oh. My. God. Around this time my cousin and mom sent me a photo text of themselves, saying they missed me while I was out on my run. And then later that day, the 4th of July, I received a photo text from the Karaoke King, saying something like “here’s where I am” with a picture of a firework.

The Karaoke King had pretty much destroyed any inclination I had towards dating him in a mere 72 hours. It wasn't a record, but I was going to have to put the brakes on the excessive texting. Immediately. Perhaps a text message poem might do the trick?

I do not like your constant pings, I do not like them Karaoke King.
I do not like them late at night, I do not like them left and right.
I do not like to see your pics, your mushy words make me quite sick.
I will not reply to your constant pings, stop sending them to me Karaoke King!