Preparing for the Worst

Thursday, December 31, 2009
I know it should read “Hoping for the Best”, and I am doing that as well, but mostly what I do in what I consider the worst time ever for dating, the first few weeks, is try to prep myself for what inevitably will be a loss of interest in my new potential beau (or his loss of interest in me).

I am certainly giving my new crush the benefit of the doubt, but I’m starting to get a little bit worried that I gave him too much credit off the bat. Usually I don’t believe anything a guy tells me, which I get a lot of flack for, but when you don’t know anything about someone why would you take what they say at face value?

Last week he professed to be direct and interested in me as girlfriend material. If I am to believe him this week then he is sick and very sleepy but very much missing me and wanting to see me. I present the following evidence that something other than that may be happening.

Exhibit A:
He cancelled on our Monday night date only a few hours before the actual game (and only at my prompting) so I wasn’t able to find a replacement for what is a decently expensive seat. He did call on Monday AM to say he was heading to the doctor, and he was very concerned I would bring another date when he said he wasn’t going to make it, but so far he hasn’t even asked me how the game went.

Exhibit B:
He texted me about getting together later this week. When I asked him what he had in mind he suggested we be naked. He added “lol” and when I told him that might certainly be part of the date but wouldn’t be the only thing we planned for he was in agreement. So I asked him again, what did he have in mind? He sent back something that made no sense along with “c p”, which I decoded via the internet later to mean “sleepy”. I called him later that night, but haven’t heard back yet so there are no plans on the table.

Exhibit C:
His voicemail doesn’t have his name on it. I know that maybe there are lots of people who do that, but to me it seems sort of shady and is therefore on the exhibit list.

I meet a lot of guys who talk a good game, who tell me I’m a great catch and how interested they are in me and that they’re not into one-night stands, blah, blah, blah. And then those guys ask me to get naked.

I’m not against being naked, that’s for sure, but there are two categories of men I get involved with and I’m really not able to think longer term with those whose eyes are on the naked prize.

To quote Janice from an old episode of Friends, “So like which of these two guys do you want to be?” As soon as he calls me back we’ll find out.


Plentymorefishoutofwater said...

This is a really nice post. Exhibit A is particularly worrying, though his worry is plausible.

Anonymous said...

no voice mail = drug dealer. this isn't your grandma we're talking about who, seriously, cannot set-up voice mail. Unless he's over 60, he's a drug dealer. Which also explains his flakiness

Nicole said...

Be cautious of the married possibility. I hope any worry is for naught, but you are right to proceed with caution.

Dater at Large said...

This one is still a little dicey. Yesterday I called and his voice mail box was full, but last night there were some wistful text messages including an invite to his place.

I'm on high alert given the Surf Dude revelations but I think we'll just have to wait and see on this one.

Anonymous said...

I am a woman in my mid-30s whose dating life unfolded much the same as yours has (and that's why I love reading your well-written blog).

I eventually met my husband on Match (at age 36). But I didn't get anywhere with dating, or with Match, until I decided to follow a friend's simple advice: when a guy displays even a hint of weirdness or something that gives you pause or something that you just don't like, kick him to the curb! Don't analyze, don't call, don't second-guess -- just give him the boot and move on to the next guy. Listen to what your instincts are telling you!

Now you're probably thinking: "Well, shouldn't I give men a chance? Shouldn't I put myself out there? What if it's just me being scared?" Trust me, you're not going to miss out on McDreamy, and you can't rationalize away shady, rude, commitment-phobic men (i.e. Surf Dude).

I have been there. There's going to be another snowy street, and there's going to be another hand to hold, and I know you want it to be the right one. You don't need to be on "high alert". You don't need to "wait and see". He came up with some bullshit illness excuse for not attending one of the best games of the year and then has the balls to suggest (even before your second date) that you get naked? And don't even get me started on "c p", his texting-in-place-of-calling, or the absence of his name on his voice mail. He is not even worth another minute of your precious time.

I understand that the "next, please!" approach is easier said than done. I had a really, really tough time doing it at first, after so many years of giving second, third and fourth chances that turned into months of me spinning my wheels. But then I decided that if I was ever going to meet a man who would pick up the phone (not text), invite me to dinner, and then call me the next day, I had to stop wasting time on losers. As cheesy as it sounds, I actually made a list of "weird" behavior that I wouldn't tolerate. I had a lot of experience to draw on, and it helped to look back on all the patterns that inevitably emerged from men who weren't willing to pursue a healthy, long-term relationship for one reason or another.

There is a challenging, smart, funny, good-looking gentleman out there somewhere for you. I am sure of it, and I have learned in the best way possible that life can change in the blink of an eye. Now get going!

Del905 said...

Voice mail box full? I think that is a little like his credit card is declined because it is over the limit. Step away from the scary guy!