The One That Got Away (part 2 of 2)

He called the same day he got my number. The first few calls were awkward. We played the name game with old work pals and talked about where we were in our lives (me: content and happy although still unlucky in love, he: going through a lot of changes, most positive, but still very bitter about his divorce). We talked a lot about our past relationship with each other.

We had completely different perceptions about the relationship. He thought I had all these negative conceptions of him when I felt like I knew him better than he knew himself back then (and liked him anyway). I had never told him how miserable I was when we had been together because of work and other relationships; he had thought I was happy. We had both fallen for each other, but neither of us had been honest about their feelings. And now? He felt really guilty, I had no regrets.

The talking got easier, some of the banter came back, and we sort of established a new friendship. But all along there was this undercurrent of a potential romantic reconnection.

We didn’t talk about a new romance, of course, but I at least wondered about one. I wanted to see him, in person, just to see how I felt standing in front of him. I thought I would know right away.

There was a missed opportunity when I was in a nearby city visiting friends. We didn’t talk for awhile after that. And then a second opportunity came up, when I was again going to be in that nearby city. I waited to hear back from him, and when I didn’t I realized I needed to put it all on the line, again.

We had been talking for about six months and I knew how I felt. It was the same as before - I thought we could work. I know we might not, too, we had a lot of the same obstacles. I am a very different person than I was back then, more mature and less afraid to talk about my feelings and needs. There was still something between us, though, and I needed to know whether we were headed that direction or not.

He said not… because of the distance, because of the time a relationship takes, because of what he wants to do with his career right now. I told him he was making a mistake, again, and then I deleted his phone number.

If there’s a moral to this story it’s that you have to put yourself out there or else you‘ll never know. I did that, I did it back then and I did it in October. And he never will. Not back then. Not even now.

Exactly 32 hours and 2 dirty martinis after that call any trace of sadness at love lost was gone. I surprised even myself, I’m normally really sentimental and romantic when it comes to potential loves, but like I said, I’m a different girl. I’m the kind of girl who jumps in with both feet and I won’t be happy with anyone who won’t hold my hand and jump with me.

Back then I thought he was the one I let get away. And now I know I was wrong. In this relationship, I was the fish.