Something Unexpected

One of the downsides to being self-aware is, well, being aware of your self and what you’re thinking. I have always had a processing delay in my feelings, it typically runs anywhere between 12 and 24-hours when I’m presented with a situation I wasn’t expecting. For the last few days I’ve been mulling over my current situation with Hobbes, and I have come to the conclusion that I will just have to let things play out. In other words, I have to wait. I hate that.

What’s weird about it is how even though I’m thinking about it a lot, I’m not experiencing most of the anxious feelings I normally do. I don’t think emailing novel length emails every day is too much, I don’t think IMing hundreds of lines during a good portion of the work day is too much, I don’t think talking on the phone is too much, either.

I have all those early relationship feelings. Excitement when I see an email, disappointment when I don’t. That small smile when he asked how he would go about calling me this weekend (since we had already deleted each other’s phone numbers).

I feel like I should tell him. How much I enjoy spending this virtual time with him. I haven’t though, not directly. I don’t want to get ahead of myself, because I’m going to see him.

That’s right; I’ll be in his area visiting another friend in just a few short weeks. Our schedules only overlap for a small period of time, and although we’ve been unsuccessful every time we’ve tried to meet up since he moved (about 2 1/2 years ago) I think we are actually going to see each other this time.

I feel remarkably calm about the whole thing, reason enough to be alarmed given my history. We didn’t meet up in the past for a lot of perfectly good reasons, but I know at least I’ve gone away from those situations feeling a little deflated, more hurt than warranted given how we weren’t ever communicating regularly when these opportunities presented themselves. This time, though, there’s a lot of lead up. Our conversation is way past surface, there's a pretty steady undercurrent of flirtation and we’ve discussed that we both have some level of expectation and/or active interest.

It all seems totally natural to me… which is exactly why I’m worried.

He’s going to read this post, because I didn’t tell him I was writing it and not to read it (although I thought about doing that), and that doesn’t really bother me, either. I sincerely hope there is vodka nearby when my feelings about him kick in, good or bad.