A Tough Break

Sunday, June 13, 2010
There are a lot of things about relationships that make me squirmish, but one of the most uncomfortable is when I feel like the interest level between myself and my other isn’t equal. I first experienced this in high school, when I started dating my aptly named High School Boyfriend.

He had had a crush on me for months, it seemed, but I hadn’t really thought about him romantically until right before we started dating, when it was presented by a friend of his. I liked him well enough, but my interest was new and I had to end something with someone else to start things with him, so I eased into it. For him, though, it was like he’d gotten this gal he’d been pining for, and he went right into relationship mode. I got roses for our one month anniversary and he cooked dinner for our two month. He also bought me a stuffed animal from his spring break, and a sweatshirt from the college I was thinking about going to.

It always felt like my attempts at showing emotion were never enough, and in part that was because he was mushy gushy (and I most certainly was, and still am, not) but mostly I think it was because we didn’t have the same level of affection for each other. When I broke up with him, he seemed devastated, and continued being that way for the rest of the summer. I still think some of his friends hate me for breaking his heart.

It was all for the best, of course, and I would never stay with someone just so I didn’t have to hurt their feelings, I would just prefer if breakups could be mutual. As in both parties see the relationship is clearly not going anywhere, and then part as amiable social acquaintances. What? I can pretend it’s possible.

I know now that things with The Bowler aren’t going to work out. Saturday night I asked him to leave after we watched a movie, citing a headache. I did sort of have one, but I also wanted to stop the awkward attempt at making out so I could order pizza.

I’m just not into him romantically. I gave it plenty of chances, but it’s not there. And I feel I am right back there in high school, hoping not to crush his feelings along with our budding relationship.

I could be misjudging his interest level, but I’m pretty sure he was hoping we would work out. He’s taken down his OK Cupid profile, invited me as a FB friend (reserved only for serious, serious boyfriends) and started texting me status updates (he’s on a road trip of sorts, they just left!). The last time he was over he left beer – saying he was pretty sure it wasn’t going to be the last time he saw me.

He’s going to wish he took it with him when he’s back in town.


Lifebeginsat30ty said...

It's so sad and yet kind of annoying, isn't it? Like you wish you felt more for them but are also bothered by their over-affection. Why is it so hard to find that perfect level of affection? Better to end it now though before it goes any further and feelings really do get hurt :(

jo said...

in perfect world, when you like someone, he likes you back equally. of 'coz we're not in perfect world so basically a situation where there's a difference in the level of attraction just sucks. if you're definite that you'll never be going to feel this, then i think it's best to just end it before he gets even more emotionally attached.

Dater at Large said...

Lba30ty: It's a tad annoying, yes, but not as annoying as being in that stage where you don't know if you're going to tip into liking someone or not. At least for me!

jo: I'm sure. And as soon as he's back in town I'm going to let him know.