For the first time in a long time I find myself not wanting what it is I thought I wanted. It’s a surprising revelation; that after having spent the last year basically dedicated to finding and sustaining a relationship that I no longer want one.
Well that’s not entirely true. I think if I met someone who I wanted to spend time with I would. And if that developed into a relationship I would embrace it. I don’t need it, though. I don’t have that craving for it or that desire to cross it off some life checklist. Most notably I don’t have that nagging feeling that I’d be more if I was part of a pair.
I wouldn’t be, you see. There would be more in my life if I was in a relationship, but there would also be less. Less flexibility in my schedule, less freedom to spend my time however I chose. It all evens out, I think, and there’s room in my life for periods of both. Maybe right now it’s more ‘me’ than ‘we’.
It wasn’t a total waste, either. On the contrary, putting that kind of time and energy into dating made me seriously address some of own insecurities. Writing about it gave me a good dose of humility and perhaps a much needed reality check. I finally think I know enough about myself to be successful in a relationship.
I don’t want to continue spending the time, energy and money on actively pursuing one, though. It’s hard work hunting for a boyfriend! Its summer and I want to enjoy it without the pressure of putting dates on my calendar.
What does my dating future hold? I don’t know, but I’ll be taking the summer off from blogging while I give myself the freedom to figure it out. When something does happen I want to enjoy it, not analyze it.
Don’t worry, dear readers, I’m sure I’ll have stories to share with you in the fall…