I never finished my Hobbes tale, mostly because I was really saddened about what had happened the week leading up to when we were going to meet up. It was something entirely different than I had thought. And it was worse. So here goes.
Hobbes had gotten a terribly mismatched impression of who I am. He’d been reading the blog as if it was me, talking to him, which of course is not what this blog is. This blog is a journal of my dating (mis)adventures, but it’s an edited journal. I write about things that I think are funny or interesting or insightful, and a lot of the time I write about the feelings I have as I’m having them. These feelings are not to be mistaken with my true feelings, which usually take some time to figure out, and which would have been explained to him directly if and when it made sense to in our relationship.
What I felt first was a tremendous sense of loss. Hobbes no longer thinks we are relationship compatible. And perhaps we aren’t, but I know that his sense of that isn’t based on a true understanding of who I am. I feel responsible for his confusion, though, and his sentiments are very difficult for me to absorb. Did I do this to myself? Did my desire to weave an engaging tale on my blog undermine the budding of a real relationship and hurt someone I care about?
I often have doubts about whether I should continue writing a blog about something that is so personal to me. I am concerned that I over analyze situations that I want to write about in order to tell a good story. I am worried that I misrepresent my true self by capturing all my fleeting and fluctuating emotions. I think it’s entirely possible that writing a dating blog is detrimental to my success at dating.
Underneath the sadness, though, was a lot of “grow up Hobbes”. True, when he told me he was no longer interested in me romantically I told him the good news was that he could keep on reading the blog. I am flattered that he did so. And yes, I probably should have thought more about how awkward it would be if he was reading it while we were actively talking about meeting up. He’s a big boy, though, and I assumed that if he chose to read the blog that he would have done so with eyes wide open. He doesn’t have to like what I think about his actions but I didn’t misrepresent them. I wasn’t passive aggressively trying to tell him things through the blog. And how could he not have expected to see something negative about himself?
Most importantly, I was disappointed that when he thought he was seeing a different version of me on the blog than in our emails that he didn’t say something to me about it, instead of coming to all these conclusions about what I expected and what I thought.
I tried to explain it to him over email. About the blog; that it’s not all true, but it’s not all false, either. About how he was taking it way too literally and should know better. And I apologized. I never meant to hurt him and I was truly sorry that he was feeling the way he was.
He wasn’t interested in me explaining in person when I was in his hood… I told him I really wanted to see him, to apologize and clear things up. He responded that it wasn’t that big of a deal.
Message received, loud and clear.