"I'll Think About It" Means "No"

Thursday, February 4, 2010
Well, dear readers, who knew what a saga this whole Hobbes thing would turn into? Certainly not me. Despite being dismissed for the love of his life (who he’d been pining for, unrequited) I told him I still thought it would be fun to grab drinks as pals this Friday. My reasons, I assume, are obvious:
  • I want to know whether I feel a romantic attraction to him. This would come in handy in 4-6 months, should he and his lady love no longer be involved, and our email chatting resumes. I could save myself a lot of time (and a plane ticket) if I already knew whether I wanted that chatting to be platonic or romantic.
  • I want him to think he’s made a mistake. Once he sees and interacts with me in person I think he’ll seriously consider why he cast me aside so easily. I am very engaging in person.
What? I’m not going to feel bad about that, besides, I’m the one who was cast aside, remember? I get to act a little bit spurned. I digress. I sent this email Monday, and after two full days he replies back that his week’s been crazy! My email is already 3/4 of the way down his inbox! Then he says he’ll think about it and get back to me.

Um, excuse me? If you have to think about whether you want to spend approximately 90 minutes with me over a beer this Friday, which had been planned for weeks, and which we talked about still doing as friends last week, then you don’t want to. What is there to think about? His reasons for bailing, I assume, are obvious:
  • He is really, truly no longer interested in me. Not romantically, not as email pals, not anything.
  • He’s afraid that seeing me will make him doubt having kicked me to the curb in favor of his new lady love. This one sounds a little self-centered, but potentially valid.
  • His new lady love doesn’t think it’s a good idea, probably because of concerns that #2 would happen. This would be ridiculous. She just told him she liked him SEVEN days ago.
I have half a mind to simply take myself off the table. That would spare me the frustration of waiting for his reasoning as to why we shouldn’t meet, and it would save him the presumable agony of trying to explain himself. I’m sure his response will imply my feelings are being hurt. You know what? They kind of are, but mostly because now I feel jerked around. And, as we just reviewed in the rules, you shouldn’t make someone wait.

I am waiting, though, and I do want to read what he has to say, assuming that he responds at all. As it stands it’s been a full 24-hours since he replied and we’re just over a day from when we would be meeting up.

Time is running out. And so is my patience.


Miss Alpha said...

I'm sorry Hobbes is stressing you out.

My only curiosity is why you are stressing about someone who is willing to set you aside for another person? You are worth more than that.

Dater at Large said...

Miss Alpha, I wouldn't say I'm stressing out. I thought it would be silly to not meet up as friends given our ongoing chatting when I'm in his area (which is hours away in an airplane) and last week he seemed in agreement. If he doesn't want to, I'll be perfectly happy to wash my hands of him (for good!).

I do think it's annoying that he's taking time to "decide", since he obviously has already decided. I want to see what he comes up with, though. And then I'll share it with you :-)

Kitty Moore said...

I don't like Hobbes. I don't think you like him too much either - this is about ego right? Apologies if I'm wrong - it's just that a similar thing happened to me and I knew he was a jerk but my ego wanted him to want me again. Then when he did, my ego was satisfied and I realised I didn't like him all that much.

Can't wait to see what he has to say!

Kitty x

freckledk said...

Your absence is more likely to make him miss you than your presence. Why should he get to have you as a friend? Has he been terribly friendly toward you? It doesn't seem to be so.

Rather than showing him what he's missing, deny him of yourself altogether. He doesn't get to have you. That's the real punishment.

Muriel said...

I agree with Kitty Moore smart comment! It's an ego thing.

Just forget about that guy and make other plans ('for god's sake' I would add if I were our friend).

You're worth so much better and like Freckledk said, your absence is more likely to make him miss you more than your presence.

You've got clever readers that seem to care about you, you know! Lucky girl.

All Women Stalker said...

Meeting as friends is a fine concept. Perhaps he's scared that he does feel something about you and seeing you will make things even more complicated?

Or what Kitty Moore said :)

Lifebeginsat30ty said...

I say don't contact him and make back-up plans for the night in question. Even if just drinks with a girlfriend. If he still wants to go out, he can contact you. I haven't read the rest of the story, but friends don't treat friends like that! You're better off without someone who will treat you like that.

Plentymorefishoutofwater said...

"Excuse me? If you have to think about whether you want to spend approximately 90 minutes with me over a beer this Friday, which had been planned for weeks, and which we talked about still doing as friends last week, then you don’t want to. What is there to think about?"
This line struck a real chord with me. I've been in this situation so many times. You have an uncanny knack of chronicling all the things I've been through during the dating process. Love this blog.
Anyway, check out my latest - I ended up in bed with Rapunzel!

Dater at Large said...

Kitty: I do like Hobbes. I think he is a great guy and isn't deliberately hurting my feelings. I wonder whether we could have a romantic connection and circumstances as of late have not been going the way I'd hoped. This post is mostly about ego, though. No one likes to be rejected.

FreckledK/Muriel/LBA30: I'm not trying to make Hobbes jealous, per so, and I do have other plans (I'm out visiting another friend in his area). It's odd to me to have had an email friend that I haven't seen in person in 2 1/2 years, and although the situation is kind of awkward now, I would still like to see him.

AWS: You could be onto something. I have mixed feelings about seeing him, it makes sense he may have as well. I guess that's why I want to see him. There's all this online communication... I just wonder what would happen in person. I don't want to negatively affect his new relationship, but I would like to answer some of my questions about him. I don't think that's too selfish.

PMFOOW: Good to know I'm not the only one...

You Make My Date said...

GRRR! What an asshat. I absolutely hate people who bail. Any response yet?

I'd normally give the guy the benefit of the doubt and say he probably is really busy, but if he hasn't offered another date to catch up or at least a general "let's do it some other time?", that sort of indicates he's just getting cold feet.

Hang in there and let us know how it goes!

jo said...

i kinda think "i'll think bout it" means "sure if i don't have anything else better to do then yeah maybe we could meet up but i don't wanna make any promises 'coz you really aren't my priority". i say move on. but i would understand too if it were the ego thing.

Simone Grant said...

Ugh and Ugh. I know you like him. And I understand the instinct to want to keep people in your life (believe me). But he's not being very kind to you right now. Not kind and not considerate.

And you deserve better. Doesn't everyone?

Dater at Large said...

** Reminder ** Hobbes and I live across the country from one another and we were simply meeting for a drink, not a full blown evening of plans.

YMMD: We did touch base but did not meet up. It's for the best, I think.

jo: I am moved on (this week), but of course wanted to see him while I was there, so last week was more frustrating.

Simone: Of course, everyone deserves better :-)