Down for the Count

I cried in a bathroom stall at work today. I cried because I was supposed to have a dinner date tonight. Dinner at a very nice, much too expensive for a first date restaurant with a bona fide dreamboat.

These plans were made on Wednesday, when the dinner and location and day were suggested by The Dreamboat, and agreed to by myself. Only we didn’t specify the time. He was heading out of work and said we’d figure it out later in the week. We didn’t, though, and I haven’t heard from him so I assume the date isn’t happening.

I’ve been instructed several times today to send him an email to confirm our plans myself and/or leave the door open for future plans if he had to cancel this plan for some reason. I simply cannot write that email.

I know, because I’ve tried since lunch. Mostly I don’t feel like writing that email. I feel like I’ve been stood up and that even though everything else The Dreamboat has said indicates clear interest that this one action negates all that. Even if he responded with some perfectly logical reason for having not finished planning our date that I feel like I would no longer be interested in meeting him. Not tonight. Not ever.

I know that I’m overreacting. I’m coming off a string of disappointments, so I know that my dating ego is a little more bruised than normal, but I think it’s more than that. I have been trying for awhile now to take men at their word, even when they weave tales of future romance and relationship that cannot be based on anything even remotely substantial at such an early stage of a relationship. I have given the benefit of the doubt, over and over, on the off chance that these men have lost their phones or are not familiar with dating or are intimidated by me or are very busy when they do not come through as promised. And yet even my lowest expectations are consistently not met; any optimism that I bring to meeting new men is dashed as quickly as it is established.

I am, by nature, a hopeful person. I am almost unfailingly optimistic. Recently, though, I find myself disillusioned with this desire I have for myself… that I’ll meet someone and we’ll fall in love… living happily ever after. I believe that it will happen, but with no evidence to suggest that I’m making any progress I wonder whether I shouldn’t throw in the dating towel in its entirety. I no longer exhibit the resilience needed to continue putting myself out there and my heart is taking a serious beating. I can’t help thinking I could eradicate all my feelings of failure by simply giving up.

I still hope that I do end up with someone. And I believe that if it’s meant to be I will. I do not believe, however, that any of the dating I have done in the past few years has made any difference. So for now, I am officially off the market.

A Moment of Weakness

My borrowed Match.com subscription is ending in about a week, and in thinking about whether to renew it I realized how disappointed I am in the lack of interest I’ve received these past 4 or 5 months. In fact, I’ve also been doing very poorly on OK Cupid, especially after turning off IM capability to men under 24. I decided to take full advantage of my last few days on Match.com and sent emails to 5 different guys. Not one responded. Add that to a number of CraigsList emails I had sent out with minimal response and I started the week off feeling very undesirable to the opposite sex.

Now I like to think of myself as an evolved woman, one who doesn’t define herself by the traditional societal standards. One who recognizes there are many areas that contribute to my success as a person. Certainly not someone who bases her self worth on her ability to attract and keep the attention of a desirable man.

Perhaps even more important than being evolved, I normally do well in pulling in interest. I even do well on repeat interest after initial communications and/or first dates. A lot of men find me attractive and they tell me so.

And yet, while watching The Bachelor “Women Tell All” I couldn’t help but feel terrible about myself. I needed validation, so I went back to an old standby, the Craigs List post.

I was not disappointed, and I am not ashamed that I felt markedly better about myself upon receiving not only a respectable amount of responses with decent quality content, but an impressive count of very attractive responders. Although I’ve been emailing a few guys, there are two standouts to keep your eyes on:

• The Dreamboat. Nicknamed as such for his ridiculously fit physique, the Dreamboat has a history as a competitive swimmer and current triathlon hobby for ongoing fitness, as well as being a dancing aficionado with a love of salsa. Ole!
• The Gentleman. Nickname refers to exceedingly high display of manners including getting out of the car to open the door for me and putting me back into my coat. Other pluses include being a very sexy and successful black man.

It's a temporary fix, I know. But I'd rather drown my self-worth issues in potential new mates than a pint of ice cream.