Failed First Dates: Don't be a Hater!

Last night I went on a first date with someone who hates Notre Dame even more than I do. You would think that such a similarity might be a good bonding moment for a new couple, but such was not the case here.

You see I have to admit, dear readers, that while I do have a deep seated dislike of all things Ohio and fans of Notre Dame, I don’t actually hate them. Certainly not to the extent that I would let it keep me from supporting my family or friends. And as I’ve mentioned before, I’m pretty sure my future mate will be one of the things I profess to hate. The Universe is like that.

The irony for this guy is that his brother played basketball on a scholarship to Notre Dame and married his Notre Dame cheerleader girlfriend (what did I tell you about The Universe?). He’s having nothing to do with it, going so far as to not go to any games in South Bend to watch his own brother play back when they were both in undergrad. He said he did go to a few away games, sitting with the home team and wearing an “I hate ND” shirt. He’s not planning to let his future nephews call him Uncle since they’re ND spawn. And he says if his future kids even think about going to school there…

He said all of this in a relatively upbeat tone, and it wasn’t the dominant segment of our conversation, but I couldn’t help but notice how unattractive I thought holding such a strong negative opinion of something was. And how ridiculous when it's college loyalty. I like to think I present my "hatred" more as a good natured rivalry, but listening to this guy makes me think twice about the impression I might be giving others.

He said he hoped to hear from me, and he will, but just to let him know I’m not interested in pursuing a relationship. Not because he’s fighting the Irish, but because I was fighting to find any level of attraction to him from the moment he had walked in.

Failed First Dates: This Train is Leaving the Station

lounge car conductor
high on chatter, low on teeth
not stable enough

When I got an email from OK stating that The Conductor and I had rated each other with high marks, I thought he’d be a great match for my plan to skip the get-to-know-you phase and go straight to dinner.

I wrote him a very direct email about wanting to grab sushi and he responded in the positive, although he made me do the math to figure out when he was available (he works 2 ½ days and off 2 ½ days). It wasn’t until this week, and despite having started communicating before the holidays we didn’t really chat until we actually met up for dinner last night. I considered the date basically blind.

He started off looking quite attractive - good height, nice eyes, potentially sexy facial hair - but as I was diligently paying attention to his chatting I noticed he seemed to be lacking several teeth. In a row. Possibly on two sides of his mouth. As someone who paid for her orthodontic work as an adult, bad teeth are a huge turn off for me. They’re also very confusing, certainly something you might consider explaining to the pretty lady sitting across from you.

It’s not all about looks, though, and I thought he had some great boyfriend qualities – close with family, interested in cycling (motor and bike), chef quality cooking skills. As I learned more about him I couldn’t shake the feeling that maybe he wasn’t as stable as I’d expect (or want) someone 5 years my senior to be. He seemed fairly intelligent, and clearly employable - he’d been in the Army reserves, restaurant kitchens, data processing, the Army again and currently two plus years into his lounge car job serving snacks to passengers on trains – but nothing that seemed like he’d settled on a career. In fact he mentioned possibly wanting to get his bachelors. In what, he didn’t say.

Which is odd, because he was the one doing all the chatting. I did get the opportunity to talk about my job a bit (like that’s what I want to talk about) and I inserted a few comments about myself here and there, but mostly, he talked and I tried to stay interested in hearing him.

I'm happy to give him some leeway for nerves, and I can even overlook that he spit a few pieces of rice at me while talking (although I'd rather not), but he actually cut me off twice mid-sentence when I was attempting to contribute my own story amidst his.

I have a thing for common courtesy. And a full set of teeth. And the movie White Christmas, which is unfortunate, since now my visions of a cross country train adventure have been dashed.

Failed First Dates: Batter Up.

I didn’t waste any time moping over Summer Boy but instead revamped the text on my OK Cupid profile and prepped myself for the weeding through of undesirable prospects that inevitably comes with online dating.

It hasn't been too bad, though. I’ve been contacted by some seemingly decent men and am thinking about reaching out to some even better seeming men myself. I even agreed to go on a date!

It was to one of the last Cubs games, which is a bit of a stretch given how long they can run, but as all of my gals kept reminding me, how bad could it be? I’d just be sitting there drinking beer and eating hot dogs.

Except my date doesn’t drink.

Oh of course he insisted it didn’t bother him when other people drank, and indeed he seemed fine while I drank a few beers during the game, but I was pretty sure this one fact alone would be a deal breaker for me. The truth is, alcohol is part of my regular social scene, and it would make me very uncomfortable dating someone who didn't drink. I would feel like an alcoholic. All the time.

That’s the reason I used when I said I didn’t think it would work out between us, but I could have chosen one of many, as it turns out.

Like say, introducing me to family. On the first date. Turns out his brother was at the game, too, and he came over to join us mid-way through the game. He’s a police officer at the station right by my house! And a cuter version of my date, I might add.

Or inviting me to his cousin’s wedding for which he was a groomsman. I politely declined, not because it was “serious” as he suggested, but because it’s weird to invite a stranger to a family wedding. Plus, I don’t think it would be any fun for me to show up at that kind of event not knowing anyone (including him, even). Don't get me wrong, I'm great with a crowd of strangers, but it's not the right venue.

Or displaying a startling lack of knowledge about the career one says they are pursuing. After a few years in landscaping-type sales my date was trying to get into the Sheriff’s program for a leg up into getting into IT work for the Justice industry. “IT” he says, “you know, computers and stuff”.

Okay, that last one was a bit mean. But as someone who actually works in IT and can explain the “stuff”, it was hard to continue that conversation without making him seem like an idiot.

Truthfully I think I just wasn’t ready yet to meet someone new. This guy wasn’t Summer Boy, but pissed as I was at that jackass I couldn’t help but make comparisons.

There’s such a thin line between wanting to feel wanted and actually wanting to meet someone new. At least I had toed up to the plate.

Failed First Dates: Go for the Gold!

One of my CL finds last weekend was looking for someone to watch the Olympics with, and in my email to him I mentioned my love of NCAA sports, and how I was hoping an Illini win on Sunday might bump them into the Top 25. I added that even if they didn’t end up ranked, beating Ohio State would be a victory enough for me. It briefly crossed my mind that I could easily be responding to a Buckeye, but I left it in since it‘s a chance for super secret bonus points. Being from Ohio is one of the three things I hate but know my future mate will love.

When I got his response a few hours later it was from an address with his full name. Google yielded nothing but on Facebook his mostly hidden profile did reveal one gem. His alma mater is one Ohio State University. Awesome.

He reveals his state affiliation in his second email to me, reacting surprisingly well to my relatively tame indication of how negatively I feel about Ohio. Seems like there may be some potential with him so we tentatively plan to meet up the next day after my basketball game for Olympic viewing.

The next day the Illini are beaten down by OSU, which although personally very depressing did provide a good backdrop for flirty text message banter. He seemed lacking in a plan - either location or specific Olympic event - so I suggested he join my gal pal and I where we were.

I was going for the gold! Being bold in meeting someone I had barely emailed barely a day later and knew nothing useful about! Inviting him out with friends of mine!

And this guy was going for the gold, too! Only he was winning at getting drunk faster than those of us who had been at the bar for several hours. After speed drinking a few bottle beers he switches to the bigger, and more economical, 20 oz cups that the rest of us are drinking. Maybe an hour into being at the bar, he starts with the Jaeger shots. He does one, by himself mind you, and then another. And then another. And another! And finally, another! Five in all in a little over an hour… a record breaker, I’m sure, for the category of day drinking.

He didn’t seem that drunk when he left (before the rest of us), but it wasn’t the shots that had me disinterested. A high tolerance is a plus. No, he just wasn’t that much of anything great in person. There wasn't much in the physical attraction category and conversation was pretty forced, even with multiple sporting events and my friend being from the same area as he was in his native Ohio.

There’s a reason you’re supposed to screen people you meet online, it’s so you don’t waste your time not liking them in person. It's hard to believe a professional dater like myself could have made such a rookie mistake, but an Olympian wouldn't let a bad fall keep them from the podium and neither will I. Now surely that deserves a medal.

It’s a Small, Small World

decent CL find
surprise blast from high school past
doesn’t make the grade

Even though I’ve basically sworn off CraigsList as a viable place to meet men, every so often I get the itch to head over there and see what’s there. Today was one such day, and I found a few decent posts to shoot emails to. My eye was caught by one guy who simply suggested we chat on Yahoo. I was game, so I sent him an IM. The chatting started off well, and then at one point I switched from the Yahoo Messenger application to the browser based version because messenger kept crashing.

It was there I noticed his invitation to add me as an online friend, complete with his full name. it looked similar to a name I knew from way back when. I did a quick look up on Facebook and yep, there he was, mutual friends with a bunch of folks I went to high school with.

In all my years of online dating I have never come across someone I knew from another area of life, let alone high school. I shoot him an IM, “Did you grow up around here?” He answers with “Yeah, Town A. You?“ It’s the town next to mine. I respond with “Town B. We totally went to high school together.”

As he starts in with the questions… What year? What was your name again? Didn’t you date what’s his face? I try to think whether I knew anything about him, “him” being the 17 year old version. It isn’t that I went to a large high school, mine was teeny tiny by today’s suburb standards, but we definitely weren’t friends and I had a hard time recalling anything more useful than him being on the baseball team.

We play the name game for awhile and it starts to seem like he’s interested in meeting up in person. I think it’s not a half bad idea, I normally shy away from what always seemed like the incestuous dating scene that a small high school breeds, but I don’t know this guy, not enough to hold being in high school with him against him, anyway. And what a great story it would make!

We transition to a phone conversation, but instead of getting to know each other in the here and now he descends into full blown reminiscing about high school. He’s obsessed with what I thought about him - only he phrases it as curious - but for the life of me I can’t actually remember. He doesn’t seem to accept that I don’t talk to anyone regularly, although it doesn’t seem he does, either. He tells me who he lost his virginity to, who he had crushes on, who is locker was next to…. It was the most painful twenty minutes of my life.

Mercifully he ended the call himself and after several proclamations about how we should get together sometime he hung up. That obviously won’t be happening, though. High school was a fun time but I don’t want to go back there. Neither should he... from what I can gather he wasn't any more sure of himself or socially successful than he is now. Who's too cool for school, now?

Actions Speak Loudest of All

I’ve been holding off on writing about my recent crush, partly because things were in a holding pattern of sorts but mostly because I was hoping things would take a turn for the better. I’m convinced now that they will not.

The pattern basically goes like this:

• (him) Lame text message or suggestive pseudo date invite
  
• (me) Positive response that requests action (like a phone call) or actual plan
• (him) Lame text message response indicating humor at above suggestion
• (me) Strong response indicating that I’m (a) not kidding or (b) pretty sure that he’s simply not interested
• (him) Solid response back that he is sorry and interested and will be planning a date

Then there is a three day break in communications, in which I hope to hear from him but do not. After two and a half rounds it has become clear that whatever these messages from him say, they won’t be leading to anything involving an in-person meeting.

I’m not sure what his aim is in continuing to reach out - Does he believe the things he’s saying? Is he just trying to keep me hanging on while he tries out other ladies? - but it doesn’t matter. His actions speak louder than any text message or phone call ever could.

As for me, I’m pretty bummed about this latest disappointment, I so rarely meet someone I feel such an immediate connection with. I so rarely really put myself out there and believe someone I’ve just met. But I did believe him and now I feel like a fool.

He’s not direct, he’s not forward, and he’s definitely not interested in dating me. Oh and he shouldn’t start up a dating consulting service with his friend like he mentioned on our date. Unless he’s Exhibit A.

Failed First Dates: The Weeble

ex-baseball player
awesome coldplay concert date
dishonest weeble

I don’t usually get really excited about meeting guys for first dates, more often than not interest I thought I had over the phone is dissipated quickly in person and I find physical attraction impossible to gauge in advance. But this one guy… I really thought I had something. I was thinking if the date went well, I’d probably be headed straight into a relationship.

He picked me up at my place and we drove together to the concert, stopping first at my bank for cash and then at his. As I sat in the car, watching him head over to the ATM, I noticed his lower half was really, really big. As in wide, disproportionately so to his upper half.

At first I was confused. He had given me the impression he was very active - running and biking regularly - and with a previous history of competitive baseball through college. That seemed to be not possible of the man I was with. He was literally too wide to fit comfortably into the concert seats and he sort of waddled when he walked.

I’m not looking for physical perfection, but I am looking for someone with a similar activity level and general physique as me. I’m also looking for someone who is honest, and as the date went on I felt more and more that I’d been deceived.

Nicknaming him the Weeble isn’t nice, of course, but it’s the only way I could think of to describe his shape when trying to explain to my friends how different his appearance was than expected. I probably shouldn’t have started out with my hopes so high, I’m sure it’s the reason I felt so crushed afterwards.

Weebles wobble but they don’t get second dates.

He Likes Me Not… I Like Him Not, Too.

Miami implant
he likes me he likes me not
just not interested

Sometimes you go on a date that doesn’t so much go wrong as much as nothing really goes right. I just went on that date.

First things first, the looks department. He wasn’t a troll, but he was definitely not as cute as his photo, and he was medium attractive at best from what I had seen in the picture. I was hoping he’d be cuter in person. He was also kind of sloppily dressed, loose grey t-shirt, messy hair. I wasn’t fancy but I was put together, I mean, I had lip gloss on.

Onto the (much more important) personal interaction. He wasn’t boring, but he wasn’t particularly engaging while we chatted, either. I thought there were a few opportunities where our conversation could have gotten better - like when he told me about his work, which I found really interesting (and said so), but then he just asked me about my work instead of elaborating about his. And then when I mentioned I had a friend who went to the same college he did and also was in a similar major it didn’t even register with him. We didn’t have to play the name game or anything, but by not even responding to the statement it came off like he wasn’t really listening to me.

Although unrelated to how I felt about my date, I also only felt medium about the actual brunch. The coffee was kind of weird and while my eggs were decent the sweet potato hash browns were not. Bonus restaurant review: Hashbrowns 2 ½ stars.

We parted semi-awkwardly, he said thanks for meeting him and I said thanks for brunch, and then we just stood there. I finally said something like "okay, well be in touch", and headed to the parking garage.

We won't, though, be in touch that is. Seems neither of us was really that interested in each other after all. All's well that ends well.

Failed First Dates: Mr. Emotional

pizza place owner
needy and emotional
stop smothering me

In one of my last CL posts I met this guy who I decided to take a chance on despite a few mixed signals. On one hand, he seemed like the motivated, confident guy I normally am attracted to. On the other, he was clearly a workaholic and admittedly was in the process of losing 100 pounds. In the plus column, our conversations were good and he was serious about going out on actual dates. Then again, he was way over the top emotionally, sending me text messages in the morning that said “miss u” and “thought about you when I woke up”.

Before we even scheduled our first date he started exhibiting this unbelievably unattractive quality of feeling neglected or accusing me of losing interest since I hadn’t replied to his one line emails within say 4 hours. I tried to explain to him that I don’t ramp up that quickly in relationships; that while I enjoyed talking to him I wasn’t ready to talk to him every day, let alone throughout the day (and PS we hadn't even met each other yet!).

We got as far as scheduling a date for the following Thursday. We had last talked on a Monday night and while I wasn’t particularly excited about the date I woke up on Thursday morning determined to have a good time. I planned to email him when I got into the office - we had already finalized the plans earlier - to confirm and sound excited. I had an email from him sitting in my inbox, from Wednesday night, stating that since he hadn’t heard from me (in approx 48-hrs) that I clearly wasn’t interested and so the date was off.

We exchanged a few emails back and forth, in which I said I was sorry he had come to that decision but was fine with it, and in which he then re-instated the date request and tried to get me to agree to go out with him after he had just canceled on me.

Enough is enough, though, so I had to cut him loose. It’s a shame, too, I love pizza.

Failed First Dates: The Non-Caller

romantic sushi
musician who won't use phone
kicked to the doghouse

I think sushi is a great dinner option for a first date; besides meeting a new guy I would be able to eat delicious nigiri sushi and caterpillar rolls. My date was a little mushy for my taste, he didn’t feed me maki from his chopsticks, but he did reach for and hold my hand over the table while staring into my eyes for extended periods of time. We had a good time, though, and I agreed to a second date. We planned to go for a bike ride the following Sunday afternoon.

That Sunday morning, I was puttering around my condo sorting laundry and such, and I hopped on my email. He had sent me one asking for a reschedule or rain check; he needed to fill in for this musical group that afternoon. I promptly replied back that I could do late morning and to give me a call if that worked. I also called him and left a voice mail.

What happened next can only be described as insecurity (on his part) and experimentation (on mine). I replied to his emails, each time requesting he call me directly, but instead of picking up the telephone the Non-Caller sent email after email response, stating that he didn’t want to intrude on my weekend by calling me and that even though I repeatedly asked him to call him that he wasn’t sure I wanted him to, really. It was ridiculous, and culminated in him sending me an e-card the following day to apologize.

Needless to say I sent one final email, expressing that I no longer wanted him to email (or call).

Failed First Dates: The Brit

a british import
decent teeth, off-colour wit
nothing in common

The Brit was an English journalist in the States starting up a new publication. We met through a CL post and IM’d or talked pretty regularly for a week or two before we officially made a first date.

I had high hopes that we might have a real connection. Our conversation had been fairly easy as well as entertaining. I felt the cultural difference but thought it could be fun, or at the very least would give us plenty to talk about. Besides, my grandmother is British and I’ve always loved a dry wit.

We met for drinks at an English-y pub, but even after a few delicious brews it was clear that we weren’t a match. I felt the physical connection, but couldn’t get past what became a larger and larger communication gap. Everything he meant to be funny came off as confusing and/or rude. He would say something, expecting a laugh, and I would try to figure out what he had meant without feeling offended.

Perhaps more off-putting was his tendency towards sexual innuendo. I’m all for flirtatious speak and a little bit of sexual tension - it’s what usually leads me to believe my interest is romantic and not just platonic - but his came off dirty, rather than suggestive.

Eventually we were reduced to talking about beer and petting the local dog that was hanging out. I try to be a fun date regardless of my interest level but I think the Brit caught on towards the end. True to his Continental manners he walked me to my car and chastely kissed me on my cheek. Cheerio, old chap.