Slow Motion Man

smart, nice, architect
moving so slow we have stopped
still can’t build me love

You know that commercial for Jimmy Dean breakfast snacks where the little kid gets slowed waaaay down by the evil Slow Motion clock guy when he's running around in the gym? No? Well check it out here and then get back to reading because that's what appears to have happened with The Architect.

He’s the little kid being slowed down, and I’m the Jimmy Dean sun guy, throwing turkey sausages at him to try to give him the motivation to get going (I have no idea who the clock is in this analogy, I just really get a kick out of this line of commercials).

But despite him confirming he was interested and me clarifying that my interest was contingent on actually spending time with him, it seems we’ve slowed down even more than the initial slow down that prompted me questioning his interest in the first place. And lest you think that I’m rushing things, I’m talking about chatting over email a few times a week, hanging out maybe once a week and capping that hanging out with some old school make out activity, circa the 9th grade (or at least my 9th grade, I was good).

What’s happened instead is that after I reached out a few times, and saw him once, with not so much as a hand on my knee to indicate any physical interest, I have not heard from him at all. In two full weeks.

I am a lot of things dear readers, but delusional is not one of them. I know that I demonstrated clear and continued interest that has not been returned. And that even though there are plenty of reasons why someone might suddenly drop out of play, they all boil down to just one: “I’m not that into you”.

So no matter how awesome the custom wine cellar The Architect could have designed for my future single family home in the city could have been, I’m officially calling this one. Now if you'll excuse me, I have some delicious breakfast snacks to enjoy.

Kingpin Down: The Bowler

nice guy, easy dates
gutter balls in the bedroom
too old for bumpers

Turns out The Bowler got back on Friday, but because I was still working through a fierce case of strep that came out of nowhere (and hate the break up conversation) I was able to push him off until Sunday. I had thought when we talked he would invite me to do something again, at which point I’d be able to drop the ax. Instead I had to bring it up myself, after enduring half an hour of really boring conversation. It was pretty standard.

“I think you’re great and I’ve really enjoyed hanging out with you but…”
He said he gets that a lot. I offered that the dating relationship is tricky, you’re looking for a particular fit and we just didn’t have it.

“I just don’t think there’s a connection, for me.”
He said he thought things had been going really well. I said I was sorry, but it takes me awhile to figure out my interest level, and I knew now that I wasn’t going to develop romantic feelings for him.

“So I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
He said it wasn’t the outcome he wanted, but it’s my decision and he’s not going to fight me on it.

He actually said something similar when I kicked him out last weekend, after I had commented that he was being very understanding. I’m glad he didn’t throw a fit, but to be honest, I think I kind of wanted him to push back on me a bit. I mean, if he really thought things were going well wouldn’t he have wanted to know why they weren’t? Asked a few questions?

I would have answered them honestly. I don’t need the personal validation of being wanted, but the last time I had put myself out there and gotten rejected I’m pretty sure I demanded reasons. For the record, the last reason I got went something like “you’re a risk, and she’s a sure thing.” Ouch.

Still, I’m a passionate person and I want to be with someone who fights for what they want. In ending things with The Bowler I’ve discovered he isn’t a fighter. And since he wasn’t a lover, either, I know I made the right decision. He'll need to improve his handicap before attempting to play in this league again.

It’s a Small, Small World

decent CL find
surprise blast from high school past
doesn’t make the grade

Even though I’ve basically sworn off CraigsList as a viable place to meet men, every so often I get the itch to head over there and see what’s there. Today was one such day, and I found a few decent posts to shoot emails to. My eye was caught by one guy who simply suggested we chat on Yahoo. I was game, so I sent him an IM. The chatting started off well, and then at one point I switched from the Yahoo Messenger application to the browser based version because messenger kept crashing.

It was there I noticed his invitation to add me as an online friend, complete with his full name. it looked similar to a name I knew from way back when. I did a quick look up on Facebook and yep, there he was, mutual friends with a bunch of folks I went to high school with.

In all my years of online dating I have never come across someone I knew from another area of life, let alone high school. I shoot him an IM, “Did you grow up around here?” He answers with “Yeah, Town A. You?“ It’s the town next to mine. I respond with “Town B. We totally went to high school together.”

As he starts in with the questions… What year? What was your name again? Didn’t you date what’s his face? I try to think whether I knew anything about him, “him” being the 17 year old version. It isn’t that I went to a large high school, mine was teeny tiny by today’s suburb standards, but we definitely weren’t friends and I had a hard time recalling anything more useful than him being on the baseball team.

We play the name game for awhile and it starts to seem like he’s interested in meeting up in person. I think it’s not a half bad idea, I normally shy away from what always seemed like the incestuous dating scene that a small high school breeds, but I don’t know this guy, not enough to hold being in high school with him against him, anyway. And what a great story it would make!

We transition to a phone conversation, but instead of getting to know each other in the here and now he descends into full blown reminiscing about high school. He’s obsessed with what I thought about him - only he phrases it as curious - but for the life of me I can’t actually remember. He doesn’t seem to accept that I don’t talk to anyone regularly, although it doesn’t seem he does, either. He tells me who he lost his virginity to, who he had crushes on, who is locker was next to…. It was the most painful twenty minutes of my life.

Mercifully he ended the call himself and after several proclamations about how we should get together sometime he hung up. That obviously won’t be happening, though. High school was a fun time but I don’t want to go back there. Neither should he... from what I can gather he wasn't any more sure of himself or socially successful than he is now. Who's too cool for school, now?

You Could Never be Better than Her… I Hope You Understand

long distance emails
possible romantic match
he loves someone else

Ohhh, I knew it! I was completely spot on with the fall off in communications with Hobbes. Today I get this email that basically says he’s in love with someone else (and has been for a long time) and although she hasn’t been interested and/or the timing was off she is definitely interested, now, and so he’s going to pursue that.

He says he’s sure I’m bummed and this might be a surprise to me. Bummed? Maybe a little, but like I said I wasn’t sure whether we’d click romantically and we do have a bit of a distance issue. Surprised? Please, if I’ve learned anything in my dating adventures it’s that my gut is unbelievably accurate. I think I called this about a week ago.

He also says obviously we won’t be meeting up when I’m out there in a few weeks, since it wouldn’t be fair to lead me on if there’s something possible with someone else. Honestly? I think we could meet for drinks regardless; he can be honest about his romantic availability (or lack thereof) and still meet me for friendly drinks.

But this email feels more like I’ve been kicked to the curb. Even though he says he enjoys chatting with me and would be up for continuing if I am it’s abundantly clear in his email how his feelings for this girl obliterate any feelings for me, entirely. I 100% believe that he’d have sent the same email if this girl’s change of heart had happened after we had met up, no matter how great a time we might have had. That part stings a little, especially given some of the exchanges he and I have had as of late, but I don’t have any hard feelings. I certainly wish him the best.

I wish me the best, too. It does seem a little unfair, though.

Calvin’s Dad: The world isn't fair, Calvin.
Calvin: I know, but why isn't it ever unfair in my favor?

Haiku Heroics

Years ago, sort of as a joke, I wrote a haiku about a relationship that had ended.

high school crush fulfilled
snuggly late night rendezvous’
it ended with eggs

It was so amusing for my girlfriends that I have since written haikus about every guy I meet when things don’t work out romantically. Not every guy is warrants a whole post, though, so here are a few other haikus that you might enjoy:

post play-off hook up
crazy ex beating down door
scoring drive reversed

Back when the Bears were in the playoffs I ended up hitting it off with a neighbor of one of my friends. I also ended up drinking approximately 25 cups of beer and half a bottle of champagne. Fast forward to the wee hours when a similarly drunk but substantially more fired up (ex)girlfriend of my hook-up is banging on the door, screaming to be let in because she knows he has some whore in there. Nothing kills the mood as quickly as hoping you aren’t going to have to get into some sort of brawl with a drunk crazy woman who remembered where the spare key was.

rich, drunken sailor
only wanting to make out
shape up or ship out

I am constantly meeting guys who say they want a girlfriend but actually just want a hook-up buddy. With this guy, first I got invited to hang out on the sailboat (read: makeout). Then to watch football at his place (read: makeout). Then more sailing (more makeout). I like making out as much as the next person, but honestly he wasn’t that good. And with nothing else to put in his plus column he simply had to go. He was also a Notre Dame fan, so there’s no love lost there.

Wipeout: Surf Dude

Irish southsider
making plans than canceling
too laid back to care

Well, I think we all saw it coming, or at least I should have. All that giving Surf Dude a second chance did was increase my cell phone charges due to an excessive amount of text messages and confirm for me that he’s exactly the person he was two years ago.

Need a recap? Surf Dude was one of those guys you meet and like, really like, but he’s dating challenged, really dating challenged. He has potential, though, so you give him more chances that he deserves, hoping you might be able to kick him into gear. You can’t, of course, and so eventually you give up feeling like you failed. In reality though, you should have walked away right at the beginning.

I experimented with presenting my interest in Surf Dude in more direct and regular ways than I normally do for the past month or so, hoping I’d see different results. There were sparks of improvement… he called and texted regularly, and he even invited me to hang out a few times.

We never did hang, out, though. For reasons that were exactly the same as before.

Past Example: Surf Dude and I have plans to hang out. He is supposed to call later that day but I don’t hear from him for say 2 whole days. When I CALL HIM, thinking that the only possible excuse he could have is that he was in the hospital it turns out he WAS IN THE HOSPITAL. He had a semi-concussion after getting hit in the head with a box helping his friend clean out a garage.

Current Example: Surf Dude and I have plans to hang out. He is supposed to call when he’s leaving his friend’s but then I don’t hear from him for 3 whole days, including a weekend. When I TEXT HIM, to tell him that I’m cutting him off, he responds that his phone had broken and he’s been without it all weekend and just got a new one that day.

All right, so they aren’t exactly the same situations, but I play the same role in both. I get invited to meet up and I get blown off. I do the follow up and then I get a lame, albeit semi-valid excuse.

This past weekend Surf Dude suggests we meet up for a movie on Monday. Monday around 8p he texts me to say he’ll be later than expected because his basketball league is running behind. I finish lounging around my pad, then fall asleep without hearing from him at all.

And we’re done.

False Starts: Marathon Guy

marathon stranger
promising start, quick decline
sprinters don’t finish

Despite a “this never happens to me” meeting story and a very successful first date with Marathon Guy things have officially ended.

I had my doubts as to my interest level after our second date but I kept at it because we had started off so well. I asked him out twice, for different days and different activities, demonstrating (at least in my mind) clear interest in seeing him. Both invites were declined, because he had other plans, but neither came with a counter offer. After one random “how u doing” text message late on a Friday - the same week I had asked him out twice - I stopped hearing from him completely.

I’m a little surprised that he just disappeared since he had seemed so interested the few weeks prior, but his actions clearly state that he’s not interested. Not that he’s shy, not that he’s busy, they indicate that he’s not interested. Or he's completely clueless about dating.

Do you know why? Because the counter offer is standard dating practice. It’s how you express interest when you aren’t available or don’t want to do what someone suggested initially. Not counter offering is what you do when you don’t want to go out with that person at all.

New relationships won't take off if at least one of the parties is making an effort to express interest in the other. In this case, I was willing to go the distance but I was all alone on the course.

Perhaps I shouldn't have been so quick to dub him "Marathon" guy. Seems like more of a sprinter to me.

Failed First Dates: The Weeble

ex-baseball player
awesome coldplay concert date
dishonest weeble

I don’t usually get really excited about meeting guys for first dates, more often than not interest I thought I had over the phone is dissipated quickly in person and I find physical attraction impossible to gauge in advance. But this one guy… I really thought I had something. I was thinking if the date went well, I’d probably be headed straight into a relationship.

He picked me up at my place and we drove together to the concert, stopping first at my bank for cash and then at his. As I sat in the car, watching him head over to the ATM, I noticed his lower half was really, really big. As in wide, disproportionately so to his upper half.

At first I was confused. He had given me the impression he was very active - running and biking regularly - and with a previous history of competitive baseball through college. That seemed to be not possible of the man I was with. He was literally too wide to fit comfortably into the concert seats and he sort of waddled when he walked.

I’m not looking for physical perfection, but I am looking for someone with a similar activity level and general physique as me. I’m also looking for someone who is honest, and as the date went on I felt more and more that I’d been deceived.

Nicknaming him the Weeble isn’t nice, of course, but it’s the only way I could think of to describe his shape when trying to explain to my friends how different his appearance was than expected. I probably shouldn’t have started out with my hopes so high, I’m sure it’s the reason I felt so crushed afterwards.

Weebles wobble but they don’t get second dates.

Meet Me at the Bus Stop

Being rejected for a sports drink seems to have struck a nerve with readers (I had my first non-friend comment!). One commenter suggested that perhaps Lunge Guy had seen the error of his ways after the fact, and had gone so far as to write about it in the Missed Connections section on CraigsList.

I immediately checked, and I found a posting from a girl who had kissed a German dude in lederhosen. She had gotten farther than I, giving him her number, but there seemed to be a mishap involving his “German hands” and her work phone not accepting text messages. Other than inappropriate sausage references, that was it for German Fest postings.

And then I had a brilliant thought. What if Bus Guy reads the Missed Connection section? I almost never do, but if he has any insight into me like I do into him then maybe he knows I can’t turn away from the madness that is CL personals. I need to put a posting there.

Meet Me at the Bus Stop
South Loop neighbor crush
shared bus stop, random chit-chat
hoping to meet you

I see you at the bus stop, and sometimes around the area, and although we’ve exchanged a few pleasantries we haven’t actually met. A few weeks ago you said Good Morning to me and I should have introduced myself right then.

But I didn't, and I’ve been trying to run into you again so we can properly meet. Unfortunately I haven't seen you so I'm hoping maybe we can cross paths via the Internet. If you see this, please email me... or sit next to me on the bus so we can chat.

He Likes Me Not… I Like Him Not, Too.

Miami implant
he likes me he likes me not
just not interested

Sometimes you go on a date that doesn’t so much go wrong as much as nothing really goes right. I just went on that date.

First things first, the looks department. He wasn’t a troll, but he was definitely not as cute as his photo, and he was medium attractive at best from what I had seen in the picture. I was hoping he’d be cuter in person. He was also kind of sloppily dressed, loose grey t-shirt, messy hair. I wasn’t fancy but I was put together, I mean, I had lip gloss on.

Onto the (much more important) personal interaction. He wasn’t boring, but he wasn’t particularly engaging while we chatted, either. I thought there were a few opportunities where our conversation could have gotten better - like when he told me about his work, which I found really interesting (and said so), but then he just asked me about my work instead of elaborating about his. And then when I mentioned I had a friend who went to the same college he did and also was in a similar major it didn’t even register with him. We didn’t have to play the name game or anything, but by not even responding to the statement it came off like he wasn’t really listening to me.

Although unrelated to how I felt about my date, I also only felt medium about the actual brunch. The coffee was kind of weird and while my eggs were decent the sweet potato hash browns were not. Bonus restaurant review: Hashbrowns 2 ½ stars.

We parted semi-awkwardly, he said thanks for meeting him and I said thanks for brunch, and then we just stood there. I finally said something like "okay, well be in touch", and headed to the parking garage.

We won't, though, be in touch that is. Seems neither of us was really that interested in each other after all. All's well that ends well.

Failed First Dates: Mr. Emotional

pizza place owner
needy and emotional
stop smothering me

In one of my last CL posts I met this guy who I decided to take a chance on despite a few mixed signals. On one hand, he seemed like the motivated, confident guy I normally am attracted to. On the other, he was clearly a workaholic and admittedly was in the process of losing 100 pounds. In the plus column, our conversations were good and he was serious about going out on actual dates. Then again, he was way over the top emotionally, sending me text messages in the morning that said “miss u” and “thought about you when I woke up”.

Before we even scheduled our first date he started exhibiting this unbelievably unattractive quality of feeling neglected or accusing me of losing interest since I hadn’t replied to his one line emails within say 4 hours. I tried to explain to him that I don’t ramp up that quickly in relationships; that while I enjoyed talking to him I wasn’t ready to talk to him every day, let alone throughout the day (and PS we hadn't even met each other yet!).

We got as far as scheduling a date for the following Thursday. We had last talked on a Monday night and while I wasn’t particularly excited about the date I woke up on Thursday morning determined to have a good time. I planned to email him when I got into the office - we had already finalized the plans earlier - to confirm and sound excited. I had an email from him sitting in my inbox, from Wednesday night, stating that since he hadn’t heard from me (in approx 48-hrs) that I clearly wasn’t interested and so the date was off.

We exchanged a few emails back and forth, in which I said I was sorry he had come to that decision but was fine with it, and in which he then re-instated the date request and tried to get me to agree to go out with him after he had just canceled on me.

Enough is enough, though, so I had to cut him loose. It’s a shame, too, I love pizza.

Failed First Dates: The Non-Caller

romantic sushi
musician who won't use phone
kicked to the doghouse

I think sushi is a great dinner option for a first date; besides meeting a new guy I would be able to eat delicious nigiri sushi and caterpillar rolls. My date was a little mushy for my taste, he didn’t feed me maki from his chopsticks, but he did reach for and hold my hand over the table while staring into my eyes for extended periods of time. We had a good time, though, and I agreed to a second date. We planned to go for a bike ride the following Sunday afternoon.

That Sunday morning, I was puttering around my condo sorting laundry and such, and I hopped on my email. He had sent me one asking for a reschedule or rain check; he needed to fill in for this musical group that afternoon. I promptly replied back that I could do late morning and to give me a call if that worked. I also called him and left a voice mail.

What happened next can only be described as insecurity (on his part) and experimentation (on mine). I replied to his emails, each time requesting he call me directly, but instead of picking up the telephone the Non-Caller sent email after email response, stating that he didn’t want to intrude on my weekend by calling me and that even though I repeatedly asked him to call him that he wasn’t sure I wanted him to, really. It was ridiculous, and culminated in him sending me an e-card the following day to apologize.

Needless to say I sent one final email, expressing that I no longer wanted him to email (or call).

Failed First Dates: The Brit

a british import
decent teeth, off-colour wit
nothing in common

The Brit was an English journalist in the States starting up a new publication. We met through a CL post and IM’d or talked pretty regularly for a week or two before we officially made a first date.

I had high hopes that we might have a real connection. Our conversation had been fairly easy as well as entertaining. I felt the cultural difference but thought it could be fun, or at the very least would give us plenty to talk about. Besides, my grandmother is British and I’ve always loved a dry wit.

We met for drinks at an English-y pub, but even after a few delicious brews it was clear that we weren’t a match. I felt the physical connection, but couldn’t get past what became a larger and larger communication gap. Everything he meant to be funny came off as confusing and/or rude. He would say something, expecting a laugh, and I would try to figure out what he had meant without feeling offended.

Perhaps more off-putting was his tendency towards sexual innuendo. I’m all for flirtatious speak and a little bit of sexual tension - it’s what usually leads me to believe my interest is romantic and not just platonic - but his came off dirty, rather than suggestive.

Eventually we were reduced to talking about beer and petting the local dog that was hanging out. I try to be a fun date regardless of my interest level but I think the Brit caught on towards the end. True to his Continental manners he walked me to my car and chastely kissed me on my cheek. Cheerio, old chap.