Please Stop Saying That.

Saturday, May 28, 2011
So after a breezy response from The Great Blind Date and one other email back from me I never heard back. And I was a bit disappointed, because he seemed to have some potential. Plus this particular disappointment had to be explained in a neutral way to my friend, who had expressed such high hopes for him and me. I felt a bit like I was letting her down, not being someone her friend wanted to date.

I felt a lot worse for me, of course, not being someone this guy wanted to date. And I shared this sentiment with more than one gal pal who were quick to say something like “don’t worry, you’ll meet the right guy” and other upbeat, unqualified nonsense phrases. I want people to stop saying things like that.

They might not actually be true, for one thing, and if anyone knew whether it was true you can bet your ass it isn’t my friend. Or my Magic8ball, for that matter. It doesn’t make me feel better, for another, it actually makes me feel worse. Trying to convince me that it’s just a matter of time before my Mr. Right appears only highlights the fact that he hasn’t, and it's getting harder not to feel like it’s at least partially my fault.

Without throwing myself a pity party, the older I get the more I think that my non-single friends just can’t help me as a single gal. How could they? They’ve already found their Mr. Rights, and what they remember about dating was forever ago. In fact, some of them are starting to get downright nostalgic about it. I know many of them have experienced the emotional roller coaster that dating can be, but not for nearly as long as I have.

I just don’t think they realize how draining it becomes. Oh sure, sometimes it’s fun, but over time it just turns into a huge waste of time and emotion and money and the perfect “I was at work but I’m still cute enough to meet you directly after” outfits. It’s exhausting.

I know they mean well. But to all you happy married folks with single friends, next time they come crying about some dating disaster do them a favor and just acknowledge the obvious. Dating sucks and you don’t envy them. Then you should offer to buy them a drink.


Anonymous said...

Your friends don't say things like that because they know or don't know it to be true. Nor is it nonsense or unqualified. The qualification is that your friends think very highly of you... they think you are smart, funny, kind, generous, and a great person to have in their lives... and so it beffudles them that a man, so far, has not felt the same. So, there appears to be only two explanations why someone hasn't snapped up a great person such as yourself: (1) you have been fooling them for years and you're actually a total asshole, or (2) it just hasn't happened *yet.* I'm guessing people probably don't feel real comfortable accusing you of option 1, so you hear a lot of option 2. Reason and logic says that great people find great mates... it seems your friends find it incredibly unlikely that you will go through the rest of your life without finding someone who agrees with what they think of you.

Anonymous said...

Oh, and with that, I'll stop saying things like that.

Online Dating said...
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jo said...

i can relate. i've been on the receiving end of those well-meaning yet cliche phrases. and each time i found myself thinking "but you don't REALLY know that i'll find someone". but we all just hope that we eventually do. dating IS exhausting and sometimes it sucks.

Nathan said...

i have also heard plenty of those kinds of comments. at this point, i try not to respond positively or negatively.

they're mostly just trying to offer support, and wish for good things for you. but they also aren't YOU, and don't know what's gonna come or not come your way.

so, i basically try and not engage such things - easier said than done sometimes. but really, if someone is just offering platitudes, it's better to save your real stories for others who might actually listen to you.