There’s No Such Thing as "Being Friends"

With an ex, that is. People may disagree with me, but unless you were solid friends to begin with, you’re not going to be friends after your romantic relationship ends. Social acquaintances, yes. Facebook friends, sure, if you’re one of those people who likes to collect them. But real, honest to goodness friends? Not a chance*.

I just ran into an ex of mine that I see maybe a few times a year. We broke up years ago, well before he and his wife started dating. We only see each other through friends of friends, but every time we run into each other I have two thoughts: #1: His wife is not okay with he and I talking. #2: He and I really could be friends, if not for #1.

I don’t have any romantic interest in my ex, and neither does he. The thing is though, if neither of us were married or in serious relationships and we did hang out socially, with drinks, I’m sure we’d end up making out afterwards. That’s more about the fact that we used to make out, though, then actual current interest in a real relationship. That's the underlying current between you and your exes that prevents you from being friends after your romantic relationship is over.

And that's probably what his wife is picking up on, but the thing she probably doesn’t realize is that we should have just been friends to begin with.

He and I had an affection towards each other, yes, a great affection, but I don’t think it ever really had the romantic drive it needed. Well, outside of the “I’m drunk let’s get naked” scene, which, let’s be honest, is more about alcohol and sex drive than anything else. We broke up for a reason, and I don’t think either of us regrets that decision. If anything I wish we’d done it sooner. We weren’t meant to date long term.

It’s awkward, though, on those few occasions that we’re all in the same social scene together, and kind of unfortunate. I really enjoy his company and would enjoy it more often if I didn’t feel like we were flirting under the watchful eye of his spouse. I would also enjoy it more if we didn't actually flirt. It's the default way I interact with him, though.

You can let go of things in your past but that doesn't mean they didn't happen. Your instinct will be to interact with your ex based on your previous relationship with him/her, regardless of your current relationship status. Without an original friend base, all you've got is the dating.

Today's lesson? Stop worrying about being friends with your exes and make sure you're being socially appropriate if there is overlap in your circles - no excessive flirting, no crazy ex behavior. Feel free to avoid the glaring from your ex's wife, too.

* Of course there are those super rare occurrences of exes who are now friends but weren’t before they dated. Your relationship is not one of those occurrences.

I Almost Forgot to Say Thanks!

As I sit with my wine, stuffed full of holiday deliciousness and watching the hilarity that is Elf, I realize I need to give thanks for my blog. Writing it has done wonders for the way I approach dating and the way I feel about being single and more importantly how I feel about myself.

I am grateful for each and every one of you that read my blog and comment and say such complimentary and supportive things about my writing and what I’m going through.

I am especially thankful that so far no one I’ve dated has discovered it.

I am thankful for the wonderful blogs that I have discovered in the past months as I’ve been writing my own blog - it’s inspiring how you put yourselves out there in raw and funny and embarrassingly honest ways.

I am also thankful that I am spending the weekend with family, and that at their house I have no cell phone or internet service, so I will not be able in any way to send suggestive text messages to Surf Dude (it’s over, I know, I’m just having a hard time letting go of the texting).

So I give thanks. And now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to get another slice of pie.

Haiku Heroics

Years ago, sort of as a joke, I wrote a haiku about a relationship that had ended.

high school crush fulfilled
snuggly late night rendezvous’
it ended with eggs

It was so amusing for my girlfriends that I have since written haikus about every guy I meet when things don’t work out romantically. Not every guy is warrants a whole post, though, so here are a few other haikus that you might enjoy:

post play-off hook up
crazy ex beating down door
scoring drive reversed

Back when the Bears were in the playoffs I ended up hitting it off with a neighbor of one of my friends. I also ended up drinking approximately 25 cups of beer and half a bottle of champagne. Fast forward to the wee hours when a similarly drunk but substantially more fired up (ex)girlfriend of my hook-up is banging on the door, screaming to be let in because she knows he has some whore in there. Nothing kills the mood as quickly as hoping you aren’t going to have to get into some sort of brawl with a drunk crazy woman who remembered where the spare key was.

rich, drunken sailor
only wanting to make out
shape up or ship out

I am constantly meeting guys who say they want a girlfriend but actually just want a hook-up buddy. With this guy, first I got invited to hang out on the sailboat (read: makeout). Then to watch football at his place (read: makeout). Then more sailing (more makeout). I like making out as much as the next person, but honestly he wasn’t that good. And with nothing else to put in his plus column he simply had to go. He was also a Notre Dame fan, so there’s no love lost there.